run for president," Agent Ham growled. "Sure I did. We ran on a platform of Social Security Numbers for Everyone."
"I'm saying it's impossible
for you to have run for president." "And I'm
saying that that's exactly
the kind of stilted, unambitious thinking that's going to make America a two-party country forever," I said. Agent McCloud faced Agent Ham and widened his eyes and leaned forward slightly, like he was trying to mime "See? I
you." Guess I'm not the only one to pick up on Ham's inability to think outside the box. "I don't think there's anything wrong with trying to give Americans a choice
, Mr. O'Brien. As much as I'd love to discuss this with you, we do really have to move on," McCloud said, moving on. "Now, when asked for your Head of Household, you put 'Jack O'Brien.' Now, this is your father?" "No, we're not related. I just want you to tax him any time you would tax me. He's the head of a
household. So yeah, just tax him extra. Really, go nuts." "Oh, we are," Agent McCloud said casually, "but for completely unrelated reasons." I
remember to ask Jack about that. Agent Ham was getting restless. "Why are you wasting time on this s**t?
What about the other garbage this lunatic
pulled? His form's got more holes than a hunk of Swiss." Was that the second cheese reference from him today? That's weird. "Did you ask him about Third Party Designee?" "I was getting
to that," Agent McCloud replied gettingly. "Mr. O'Brien, I'm at a loss. Here, under Third Party Designee, you sent us your severed thumb." I opened my hands and wiggled my fingers broadly. "I sent you a
severed thumb, you filled in those blanks yourself,
Agent McCloud. Don't make
problem. You know what happens when you assume
, don't you?" In case they didn't, I decided to clarify: "When you assume, you make jaw
breakers-" "Stop talking about jawbreakers!
" "Out candy and nuts,
" I finished meekly. Special Agent Connor McCloud took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes which, in addition to highlighting his exhaustion, is a surefire way to get pinkeye, particularly when holding my tax form which, God knows, is just