It's an incomprehensible blend of a heist movie with a conspiracy movie and an action movie, and it's funny, but not for the reasons the creators intended, and there's Leonardo da Vinci and some people named after candy bars and a butler with blades in his arms and a mute who speaks in business cards. If you've never seen it and now you're confused, nothing will be made clearer after you watch it. It launched a bunch of shit at a wall hoping some would stick, but all of it stuck, and no one stopped to ask, "How about we throw something other than shit at this wall?"
I watched it on TV so many times that if I had a Nielsen ratings box, my home's data would have been reported as faulty and tossed out -- no one watches that much Hudson Hawk without it being a glitch.
Pretty much everyone I've ever met has a low opinion of the movie, including one of my childhood friends, Steven.
Steven invited me to stay at his place for spring break during our freshman year of high school. He gave me the grand tour of the city he called home: Lake Worth, Florida, a place that isn't much more than a name on a road sign. I really only have two clear memories of what I thought about Lake Worth:
1. Is this whole city a golf course?
2. Hooooo-lllllly shit.
Number two was my reaction after Steven introduced me to his local video store. It was a cathedral erected in honor of film. DVDs were juuuust catching on, and we couldn't afford them yet. VHS was still your go-to format if you wanted to buy a movie, and I had never seen so many VHS copies of movies in one place in my life. I grew up in a major American city, and I loved movies, yet somehow I had never once come across a place like this before. All of that informed my opinion of this video store in Lake Worth: This place was my paradise. I was overwhelmed by choice. I wanted to throw the few bucks I had in my pocket at every movie on the shelves. I yearned for something new, something dangerous. I wanted to buy a movie that would change me the way I've always heard reading On the Road or The Catcher in the Rye changed kids of previous generations.
Little, Brown and Company/Michael Mitchell
"I'm going to be a whiny, petulant little bitch from now on!" -someone of a previous generation
And there it was. Glimmering with a heavenly radiance, there was Hudson Hawk on VHS. I loved Hudson Hawk with all of my misguided little heart. But it was a dangerous love, the kind of love that renders you blind to subtle faults -- subtle faults like a rotted foot sticking out of someone's face.