For instance, say Strong Guy eats a bunch of slightly expired chili plus a whole hell of a lot of cheese and bran muffins. The resulting shit brick that is going to try to work its way out has to exert force against Strong Guy's back door which means that he's probably, literally, going to have to shoot that turd out of his ass. His mutant power is going to force his ass to expel a deuce projectile with some remarkable power. This guy can probably never not destroy a toilet unless it's one of those stainless steel ones, and that's a hell of a burden to be saddled with.
Motherfucker, imagine the balls on this kid. You're not going to notice his balls, because he has a long neck, hence the clever moniker, but Longneck must have titan balls. Longneck's balls must be the kind of balls that cause the keys in your pocket to jostle ever so slightly when he walks past. Their incredible mass is such a force to be reckoned with that, like a small moon or burgeoning black hole, they actually have an effect on less massive items in their vicinity. I say this only because what kind of fucking sociopathic beast, devoid of all self-awareness, would dare claim to be an X-Man, a goddamn superhero in a universe where aliens and beings older than time who are capable of ripping whole worlds in half, sometimes with their bare hands, when his power is having a long neck?
What the fuck does the word "power" even mean when your power is having a long neck? You know what my power is? I ate a cheese sandwich earlier. My cat has a power, too: She's not in Denver. You can't just have a verb in a sentence near some kind of a noun and say that's a power. Has long neck? Has long neck? Jesus Christ, big shooter, you don't have a power, you have a problem sitting in compact cars.
Longneck's would-be power is actually the most damaging of all the powers I've been able to discover in terms of what it implies about the very idea of a universe in which superheroes exist. Sure, the Hulk has strength commensurate with his rage, and if his rage is boundless, he technically has limitless power and could destroy all things in creation based on that logic, and that's fucked up. Longneck has a goddamn long neck. Do you see the problem here? It's his power. He's a mutation. He has the mutant X-gene that manifested itself by making him a nuisance if he's in front of you at the movies. What the hell isn't a power if that's a power? If you fart in a wind storm and somehow the smell seems to not go away, you're a mutant now. You're the newest X-Man Waft, whose ass blasts linger like unwanted houseguests after a party. Can you stop peeing without using your hand to pinch it off? Welcome to the team, Hydrant. Go get your uniform from Beast.
If everything is a power then it cheapens the very idea of powers at all. And sure, Longneck did nothing in the comics, at all, ever, but he was still an X-Man. He got to be there. He's the ultimate participation award, and that just sucks so hard.
Ian's mutant power is being awesome at Twitter. Go see.
For more check out The 6 Least Useful Superhero Abilities in Comic Book History and The 5 Dumbest Powers Ever Given to Famous Superheroes.
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