How Samsung Can Recover From Their Exploding Phone Fiasco

The way I see it, if the Galaxy Note 7's are exploding with almost no user interaction at all, imagine what would happen if you laid one of those suckers in a fire pit and threw a couple of matches at it. In addition to a satisfying burst of flame that wouldn't have you on the fast track to the burn ward, the scorched debris would catch the surrounding logs immediately. This would cut down on the time and newspaper needed to start a roaring fire, while giving you more time to enjoy the great outdoors with your baffled friends and loved ones. If Samsung were to package four to six of these bad boys in a fireproof box and give them a price tag of around $1,200, I can all but guarantee they would make their production costs back eventually. And we'd finally take down the monopoly big Duraflame has on the market.

Erik Germ
If the box doesn't explode first, that is.

Sterno's staying power mostly comes from how simple it is to use. But let me ask you this: Can you watch Netflix on a can of Sterno? The answer, for those of you still pondering, is no. Believe me, I've tried, and the Sterno's selection of award-winning documentaries is really, really lacking.

Imagine this scenario: You're waiting in line at a buffet, bored as hell and hungry to boot. What if, instead of staring at a boring little flame on your way down the line, you're distracted by a flame that's surrounded by some of the best streaming content available on the web? That's a scenario that only works if Samsung sells their phones as an alternative to Sterno cans. With this method, you would simply place a Galaxy Note 7 under your tray of green beans, fire up Netflix, and start streaming episodes of Friends while the burning phone heats up your dinner.

Pixabay/Erik Germ
Could this be any more practical?

Using a Note 7 to heat up food instead of burning an eight-inch hole in your leg is a no-brainer. Sure, there are some concerns about burning plastic in an enclosed area, but the alternative is that these phones sit somewhere in a landfill, fucking up the environment for eons to come. Are your precious lungs more important than the environment, crybaby? Tell your widdle feelings to buck up and get ready to enjoy a helping of sweet potato casserole, brought to you by a smoldering season of Making A Murderer.

If you have a hammer and a can-do attitude, congratulations! You're now the most efficient ice fisherman in the game. Seafood is a multi-billion-dollar industry, both in the U.S. and around the world. Imagine how much more effective business would be if we weren't wasting god knows how much time chopping into the ice with a fucking stick? Using these recalled phones to make holes for ice fishing isn't just killing two birds with one stone; it's an economic obligation, as far as I'm concerned.

And I'm just getting started here. We've yet to discuss the most obvious application of Samsung's failure.

While it's funny to behold, I got to thinking "Why the hell not?" It already doesn't take much to set the Note 7 off into a blazing inferno. So throwing these things at our enemies on the battlefield would work about as well as any grenade. And your typical grenade can't store over 50,000 songs. It's only with the Note 7 grenades that you can blast Kenny Loggins' Danger Zone at full volume while blowing your adversaries to smithereens. If that's not a selling point for you, how about this: Remember the Ninja Turtles Pizza Thrower toy?

The 90's were so clutch.

The military could modify the pizza thrower concept to fit a Note 7. Imagine marching into the fray with a gun that launches the phone TechRadar named "Samsung's best phone to date," and the device which Cracked.com named "Ahhhhh! My fucking hand!" You would be unstoppable! I've put together a little representation of how that might work.

Erik Germ

As you can see, this is both resourceful and lethal, which is exactly what you want when you're battling the likes of ISIS or the Foot Clan. Also, allow me to sweeten the pot on this one a little bit. If you'll recall, exploding phones weren't the only big story about electronics blowing up this year. Remember how all those hoverboards caught fire and the douchebags who ride them through the mall had to stop using them? You know where I'm going with this.

Erik Germ
Galaxy Note 7 + Hoverboard = mobile death unit.

Imagine the pants-shitting that would happen if you saw one of those things rolling toward you at whatever speed those dumb toys can go. The only issue I can see with this option is that Samsung might not be down with being harbingers of death. If that ends up being the case, I have one more ace up my sleeve.

Just Photoshopping that image made me extremely depressed that something like this doesn't already exist. And the thing is, we have all the materials necessary to do this just sitting around a warehouse somewhere! If insurance companies are willing to look the other way and allow a zeitgeist like flaming phone fights to happen, I think we could really be onto something special here.

Wiki Commons/Erik Germ
Don't let my dreams remain dreams.

I'm not saying this could be the next big thing; I'm saying this will be the next big goddamn thing. I know for a fact that Spike TV would be all over this idea, if SlamBall is any indication. And phone explosion fights have the one thing that kept SlamBall from replacing baseball as America's pastime: exploding cell phones.

In all seriousness, I legitimately hope Samsung does the right thing and disposes of these disaster phones in a considerate and environmentally safe way. Because if they don't, I'm digging up whatever landfill they throw them in and making everything on this list a reality. That's a promise.

Follow Erik Germ on Twitter if youse a true playa.

For more check out 5 Terrifying Smartphone Hacks You Won't Believe Are Possible and 7 Ways Your Cellphone Is Screwing With Your Body and Mind.

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