"Ah, so you're the one whose name he sobs during sex ... "
Sooooo, he's been keeping that a secret from his best friend's wife -- and by extension, his best friend -- all this time? Why? So he could dramatically reveal it with Sharpie and an iPod? Dude, you still have no idea how humans work, do you? You don't seem to have matured a single bit in over a decade, or even tried to. And you better get on it, or I give your marriage to Kate Moss about the length of a line of blow. Dammit, I was rooting for you.
Then there's baby Jojen Reed, who I literally just realized was Liam Neeson's son in this movie even though he didn't age a day in the 10 years between it and Game Of Thrones.
"Screw winter, when is puberty coming?"
It's a fairly inappropriate parent-child relationship they have, the former encouraging the latter to pursue a girl he barely knows who also happens to have the same name as his recently deceased mother. His advice is to connect with his crush through the time-honored combination of music and not really talking to her, sprinkled with jokes about celebrities' sex lives that you definitely shouldn't tell a prepubescent child. The girl ends up going back home to America, but not before he breaks several laws to reach her at the airport and she rewards him with a kiss, hopefully giving him the confidence to go out into the world and pursue women on the basis of more than their similarities to his dead mother. And when grown-up Sam shows up in London to surprise his father, it's looking good for him. Sometime in the last decade, he moved to New York City, and he's gained the confidence to proudly wear platform sneakers and an impressively bad mustache.
"If you're ever taken, I will not look for you."
Quick side-note: What's with these people and surprise visits? Do they not believe in phones? Are they not even a little worried about catching their loved one in the middle of an epic porn marathon? Anyway, my hope for Sam is quickly dashed when he introduces another surprise visitor: The same American girl he was obsessed with as a boy, who (over the course of the scene) becomes his fiancee.