Like most people, I've been struggling to form an opinion about this "President Donald Trump" character and his shenanigans I keep peripherally hearing about. But today, I am here to say that I have officially adopted a position on this matter: I am now AGAINST Donald Trump.
What was the deciding factor, you ask? The Twitter account for the 2011 remake of the film Footloose briefly rebranded itself as "The Resistance" and unleashed a random tweetstorm against Trump earlier this week.
Look, I'm not a very political person. But I AM a massive, undying fan of the 2011 remake of Footloose, and an even BIGGER fan of the Twitter account created to promote the 2011 remake of Footloose. So when the six-year-old promotional Twitter account for a remake of a movie about a rebel teen who teaches a small town how to dance says something about the 2017 political climate, I LISTEN.
Let me be clear: I've obviously heard of this whole Trump thing. It's impossible to browse the internet looking for "Footloose 2011 remake"-related content or to flip around TV hoping to catch the 2011 Footloose remake on basic cable without inadvertently picking up some information about what the president of the United States is doing. After all, standing up to unreasonable authority figures is a central message of the hit 2011 film Footloose.
However, none of us huge fans of the 2011 Footloose remake would DARE risk staking a political claim against a sitting president -- or adopting any opinions, really -- without the express consent of our beloved 2011 Footloose remake Twitter account. Even if the verified Twitter account pertaining to the 2011 remake of the film Footloose didn't expressly clarify its position on a particular social issue, I'd still be mortified to speak out against it. What if the 2011 Footloose remake Twitter account later tweeted the OPPOSITE of my opinion? Then I'd be in conflict with my primary ideological compass (which is, again, a promotional social media account pertaining to a six-year-old reboot of a Kevin Bacon film from 23 years ago).
So WATCH OUT, Mr. Trump. Me and all the other Footies are gunnin' for ya! That's the nickname for us countless, rabid fans of the 2011 remake of the film Footloose -- NOT to be confused with those poser fans of the 1984 Footloose PRE-make. Yeah, that's right. We don't call it the "original" Footloose. The 2011 film is the only true canonical entry in the LooseyVerse. The entire 1984 film is a mere hypothetical fever dream FORESHADOWING the events of the 2011 film. But I digress. Hop on r/2011FootlooseIsTheOneTrueLooseyVerseFilm, and they'll explain it. Lotta great GIFs on there too from the 2011 movie Footloose. And virulent racism.
Make no mistake about it, us Footloose (2011) fans KNOW how to fight back. Mr. Trump, there's no foot-winning against us (only foot-losin'). This time, instead of violently punch-dancing in a sweaty-ass warehouse, we're takin' things to the WEB. TWEETS are our punch-dancing. CYBERSPACE is our dusty abandoned warehouse with a bunch of shit to fling ourselves against. RETWEETS are, like, that bar we swing around a bunch of times. Moodily thrown beers = likes. Political activism is wide shots of our silhouette. Smash-cuts of the same jump happening over and over again is Trump getting impeached. And Trump, obviously, is the tyrannical John Lithgow preacher character iconically portrayed by Dennis Quaid in the 2011 version. We're gonna single-footedly stop President Dennis Quaid.
Together, we shall DANCE (fight) against the GUY WHO BANS DANCING (Trump), DEFEAT HIM (making dancing legal again), and celebrating by DANCING (dancing). This time, the WORLD is Footloose, and WE are, uh, whoever the main guy was in that 2011 Footloose. Can't remember right now. Hang on, lemme IMDb it real quick ... one sec ... "Kenny Wormald"? Who the hell? What else was this dude in ... Brian Wilson biopic ... something called "Kid Cannabis." Whaa? Hm. Do not know this guy. Anyway, getting off-topic. The point is, WE are that guy that I just said. And we WILL triumph.
Together, we can give AMERICA the 2011 reboot it truly deserves.
The proliferation of beer pong and craft beer may have you think that we're living in one of the peak times to get drunk, but humans have been getting famously hammered for millennia. Like a frat house's lawn after a kegger, history is littered with world changing events that were secretly powered by booze. The inaugural games of the Roman Coliseum, the drafting of the U.S. Constitution, and the Russian Revolution were all capped off by major parties that most attendees probably regretted in the morning.
Join Jack O'Brien and Cracked staffers Carmen Angelica, Alex Schmidt, and Michael Swaim, plus comedian Blake Wexler, for a retelling of history's biggest moments you didn't realize everyone was drunk for.
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