Remember when Cyber Monday used to stand for something? We sure do. But nowadays, it seems our capitalistic culture is intent on stripping Cyber Monday of its values and reducing it to a commercialized husk, like Christmas and Arbor Day.
Well we won't stand by and let Cyber Monday, a holiday brimming with rich culture and history, become commercialized. That's why the Cracked Store is giving you an additional 15 percent off on ceremonial Cyber Monday items. If we all come together (and buy this stuff), then maybe, just maybe, we can wrench Cyber Monday back from corporate society's grubby fingers and return it to the people, where it belongs.
Protecting a holiday from commercialization isn't easy, but it all starts with keeping to our customs and honoring traditions. The FEZ Vaporizer is similar in design to the ceremonial Cyber Monday vaporizers of old that our ancestors used. This modern version, however, offers a range of customizable temperature settings, an impressively long battery life, and easier-than-ever heating and cleaning. Just make sure to invoke the customary Cyber prayers every time you use it to partake in holy ritual.
As you're well aware, Cyber Monday has a rich, detailed history, going all the way back to the dark ages of 2005. That's too long ago to remember how exactly this holiday started, but we know Apple products are a revered symbol in its celebration. The iFlask honors this symbol, and is ideal for topping off everyone's drinks at your local Cyber Monday Festival. Like the iPhone it's modeled after, the iFlask has zero phone call functionality, but it's stainless steel frame means that it'll last you much, much longer than any Apple product could hope to.
You may be tempted to use the Surviv-All Outdoor Knife for preparing the traditional Cyber Monday feast of leftover yams and wilted salad. However, this knife is really much better suited for setting up the customary Cyber Monday stakeout tent which we sleep in to honor our ancestors in the "The Great Black Friday Stakeouts" of yesteryear. Between the 440 stainless steel blade, the knife sharpener, the fire starter, and the comfort-fit rubber handle, there's no Cyber Monday dilemma this baby can't handle.
Celebrate Cyber Monday wherever you are with Unblock All. Unblock All is a smart DNS service that gives you the ability to hide your location and remove censorship blocks. That means you can gain access to potentially hundreds of sites that might otherwise be blocked in your geographic region. For example, if you're in Europe, watching European Hulu, but want to watch a Cyber Monday holiday special (any episode of Extreme Couponing) that you can only get in the United States, all you need to do is switch your location, and suddenly your Hulu will become Americanized. (Meaning its 15 percent more likely to develop heart disease.)
Essential to preserving the sanctity of Cyber Monday is the customary garb and dress. That's why the Cracked Dispensary feels duty-bound to take 20 percent off all items, and to provide you with free shipping. There, you can find this celebratory "Tron of the Dead" T-shirt, which reaffirms Cyber Monday's greatest teachings -- namely, that high-speed digital travel rules, and that nothing beats watching an old zombie movie on a rainy day.
And of course, no Cyber Monday can be properly celebrated without paying homage to Hoverboard Cat, the holiday's patron saint. This ceremonial Cyber Monday tote is hand-sewn using lightweight poly poplin fabric, and is perfect for carrying the ceremonial Cyber Monday accouterments mentioned in the previous entries. Rumor has it that the seamsters sing traditional Cyber Monday songs while making every bag. Lets sing one together: "Oh Hoverboard Cat. Oh Hoverboard Cat. Cyber Monday's here. Whach'ya think about dat! Oh hoverboard cat ..."
We'll sing later. But how do we get everything?
Just click on the images to go to their product pages, or click on these links to shop at the Cracked Dispensary or the Cracked Store. We have way more on sale than just what's listed here, so if you find any items related to Cyber Monday traditions that we missed, then please let us know. A happy Cyber Monday to you, and a happy Cyber Monday to all!
Forget 'morale-boosters,' we'd rather have the money.
These stories remind us what unlimited wealth and power can do to a human being.
Trends among women trigger a level of contempt that's way beyond what is deserved.
Can we rest?