Cracked Store Update: From Tim Burton To X-treme Cats

The following is a found transcript of an unaired segment of the canceled reality cooking show UBERCHEF, hosted by GORDON RAMSAY KNOCKOFF.

UBERCHEF EPISODE 1 CONT.

INT. UBERCHEF KITCHEN

GORDON RAMSAY KNOCKOFF and bubbly Cracked intern DAN DUDDY stand face-to-face, an array of covered gourmet dishes lined on a table between them.

GORDON RAMSAY KNOCKOFF
Chef Duddy, your souffle flopped in this week's cooking showdown. As you
know, the Five-Course-Challenge is your last chance to avoid elimination.
Are you ready to present your dishes?

DAN DUDDY
Yes, Chef!

GORDON RAMSAY KNOCKOFF
Aces. But before we begin, the producers have hinted that you have an
incredible backstory. Would you mind sharing it with the viewers at home.

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DAN DUDDY
Certainly.
(to camera)
My name is Dan Duddy, and I am an intern for Cracked.com. I write articles
featuring T-shirts from the Cracked Dispensary.
You can buy our shirts by clicking on this link here.

GORDON RAMSAY KNOCKOFF
Clicking on what, where? Actually, forget it. Present your first dish.

DAN DUDDY
(removes the first domed covering)
Salad of spinach, jamon iberico de bellota, with walnut vinaigrette.

GORDON RAMSAY KNOCKOFF
(tries salad like Gordon Ramsay would, but slightly different for legal reasons)
My oh my! The spinach. So delicate. The vinaigrette. What zest.
The ... wait, this is odd ...

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GORDON RAMSAY KNOCKOFF
There's a T-shirt in your salad.

DAN DUDDY
A lovely design, don't you think? Look at the precision Logan Scissorhands
has when trimming that hedge. And that vibrant color. You know what
they say? The greener the better.

GORDON RAMSAY KNOCKOFF
That's ... listen, I respect you as a chef. You made a unique choice for
presentation. I get that. You took a risk. But I have to be blunt here.
It failed. Clothing in food? No. No. No.

DAN DUDDY
I'll do better next time.

GORDON RAMSAY KNOCKOFF
You better hope so. Your place on this show depends on it.
Please present Dish 2.

DAN DUDDY
(removes the second domed covering)
Voila! A New Orleans-style gumbo!

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GORDON RAMSAY KNOCKOFF
Breathtaking. Truly stunning.
(takes a sip)
Ahh. Divine. The flavors dance together, a pas de deux.
(another sip, inhales)
And the aroma, intoxicating.
(another sip)
A little starchy, though. Tell me, did you add potatoes for ...

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GORDON RAMSAY KNOCKOFF
What in the bloody hell? There's a T-shirt in this gumbo.

DAN DUDDY
Not just any T-shirt. A Gumby Beetlejuice mashup. Perfect for gumbo!

GORDON RAMSAY KNOCKOFF
(hunches over and gags)
I can't believe I just ate something with a dirty old T-shirt in it.

DAN DUDDY
Not dirty and old. Brand-new from the Cracked Dispensary.
(to cameras)
Buy yours today.

GORDON RAMSAY KNOCKOFF
OK. I think it's fair to say you won't make it. You can go home now.

DAN DUDDY
Wait, please. Give me one more try. I admit my techniques are unorthodox,
but I deserve a chance like everyone else.

GORDON RAMSAY KNOCKOFF
(wipes his mouth)
Does your next dish have a T-shirt in it?

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DAN DUDDY
I'm fairly confident it doesn't.

GORDON RAMSAY KNOCKOFF
Fine. I admire your pluck if nothing else. Present your dish, but I can't
stress this enough: You are on the brink of elimination, and please
for the love of the queen, no more T-shirts.

DAN DUDDY
(opens third domed covering)
Thank you, Chef. I won't let you down. This third dish is a classic chicken pot pie.

GORDON RAMSAY KNOCKOFF
(hesitant)
I'm not going to find a T-shirt?

DAN DUDDY
Homie don't play that way.

GORDON RAMSAY KNOCKOFF sighs and cuts into the pie.

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GORDON RAMSAY KNOCKOFF
You said no more T-shirts!

DAN DUDDY
I know. That's a tank top. We sell a variety of products
at the Cracked Dispensary.

GORDON RAMSAY KNOCKOFF
That's it! You're eliminated! Leave my kitchen now!

DAN DUDDY
I get it. Tank tops are a more acquired taste. Here's the T-shirt version.

DAN DUDDY opens up the fifth domed covering, revealing a multi-tiered cake. He reaches inside, elbow-deep, and pulls out a T-shirt.

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DAN DUDDY
Exquisite, no? A fugue of colors and gnarly style, flowing from paw to handlebar.

GORDON RAMSAY KNOCKOFF
Get the fuck out!
(flings his knife at Duddy)

DAN DUDDY
Ha! Gotta love that classic Gordon Ramsay-type sharp criticism.

The knife misses. GORDON RAMSAY KNOCKOFF, rabid, throws cooking equipment wildly throughout the room. DAN DUDDY runs. He's late for an appointment he just remembered.

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DAN DUDDY
I'm late for an appointment I just remembered.

DAN DUDDY is gone and the room is silent, aside from the sobs of the injured. GORDON RAMSAY KNOCKOFF stumbles forward, exhausted. He approaches the final covered tray of Duddy's meal. He opens it. A vegan burrito wrapped with ...

Cracked Store Update: From Tim Burton To X-treme Cats

GORDON RAMSAY KNOCKOFF
(maniacal laughter)
Fuck it! Fuck it all!
(bites into T-shirt)
What is this? This shirt. It actually ... this shirt actually tastes fantastic.
Sensational, even. I can taste the mushroom. Cracked shirts are so good
you can eat them. Duddy was right all along. Duddy is the Uberchef. Duddy, wait!

GORDON RAMSAY KNOCKOFF runs after DAN DUDDY, screaming mad.

FADE

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