4

Xybernaut Creates A Wearable PC (That's Like Wearing Your Actual PC)

2002 was a weird time in the field of portable tech. We already had modestly decent laptops and PDAs (remember those?), but even the most advanced mobile phones still looked like props from a 1960s sci-fi show and had names like Danger Hiptop. Everyone was clamoring for the next big thing in pocket-sized and/or wearable computer chicanery, and since the first iPhone was still half a decade away, things got pretty weird for a while.

It was against this backdrop that a company called Xybernaut introduced what for all intents and purposes should've been a gamechanger: Poma, the first wearable PC. The Poma cost around $1,500, which was pretty steep, but still only about half the price of a high-end laptop of the era. Unlike the "smart"phones of the time, it was a real computer with a real computer's capacities. And most importantly, wearing it made you look like a sexy Borg:

USA Today
As if there was any other sort.

3

Coors Introduces Sparkling Water To Its Line of Beers, Hilarity Ensues

"American beer is basically water" is such a classic joke that when Monty Python used it in 1982, they were probably quoting their grandfathers. You'd think that stateside breweries would be aware of the joke, or at least refrain from actively calling attention to it. Fortunately for this column, you'd be dead wrong.

In 1990, the Adolph Coors Company decided to expand their product line with Rocky Mountain Sparkling Water. This wasn't necessarily a bad move. Bottled water was becoming a thing, and recognizing a nascent trend and establishing a brand early is generally regarded as a "pretty amazeballs think-brick," as industry insiders like to call it. What was a bad move, however, is how they chose to brand their overpriced H2O:

RateBeer
Tee-hee!

2

Nissan Somehow Thinks A Convertible SUV Is An Amazing Idea

Haha, no. A convertible SUV? That's clearly one of those "submarine screen door"-type joke products, or maybe a Banksy piece that he snuck into a car manufacturer's event to ridicule commercialism or whatever. This can't be a real car. SUVs are huge and clumsy. Convertibles are sleek and, more often than not, aerodynamically worthless. Both are driven by very specific types of assholes who have very little overlap on the Venn diagram. Who would even drive the combination of the two? Soccer moms reenacting Thelma & Louise? That can't be a profitable demographic. Wouldn't get too many repeat customers, for one.

But a real car this is, and exist it does. Meet the Nissan Murano CrossCabriolet:

Truck Trend
As for who drove it, the answer is "no one," as it had a hard time reaching four-figure sales.

1

Colgate Tries To Create "A World Of Oral Care" (By Introducing Colgate-Brand Microwave Meals)

"Hey, Jenkins. Did you come up with those suggestions for brand extension like I asked?"

"Yes, Sir, I did. To truly expand our toothpaste empire, I think we should start making ... ready-to-eat meals."

"Wait, what?"

"The frozen kind, Sir. That you heat in the oven. We'll strap our brand logo all over the packaging and everything. That way we can market them along with the toothpaste, under some handy umbrella term like 'World of Oral Care.'"

"Do you really think that people will want to associate the taste of chicken pot pie with the clean, minty tang of our toothpaste, Jenkins? Or the fluoride aftertaste of said paste with goddamned beef lasagna? People's taste buds will be completely confused. That way, only madness lies."

"Yes, it does. The great god Azathoth will be most pleased, Sir."

"Yes, he will indeed. Excellent work, Jenkins. Here's your bonus."

I have no proof that a conversation like that took place in the Colgate headquarters circa 1982, or that elder gods or (more likely) cocaine were involved in the brainstorming process. But hey, let's see you come up with a better explanation for the existence of Colgate Kitchen Entrees.

Colgate
"Why not accompany your meal with a nice glass of Colgate orange juice?"

The early 1980s were a growing market for ready-to-eat meals, so Colgate hoped to tap into it. Like Coors, they brazenly did this with their existing brand name. Unlike Coors, Colgate decided to go balls-out and confuse the hell out of its customers with packaging they had already learned to heavily associate with a radically different product. The idea, I suppose, was to create an umbrella brand of consisting of whatever Colgate felt like people should stick in their mouths. In practice, that went roughly as well as you'd expect. Not only did Kitchen Entrees experience a swift, resounding failure, but in certain places, the sales of Colgate toothpaste actually went down because the customers were now mentally associating it with frozen spaghetti.

Evening Standard
I like to think that those stickers came with the meals, and the Museum of Failure merely bought the surplus from Colgate.

I'm not throwing stones at these companies. On the contrary, I say keep 'em coming. Their profound misunderstanding of basic human psychology is more helpful to me than any antidepressant. It brings me so much joy that I should be able to pay for their next ridiculous product with health insurance. As long as those keep popping up from time to time, I think we're all going to be just fine.

Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked columnist and freelance editor. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter.

For more, check out The 9 Most Utterly Insane Products Released by Famous Brands and The 7 Most Baffling Products Ever Released By Famous Brands.

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