You know what I wonder about Wonder Woman? When did the estrogenocide begin, and how come we got no advanced warning? A pox! A pox on those cervixecutioners and their fallopian agenda! My (male) God, save yourselves! Save your boys and your grandfathers! Save the weird uncle who tells inappropriate stories. Save Dad's collection of vintage Playboys. The women are coming! And not in the PornHub way!
I saw Wonder Woman, a film about a superhero who is a woman (unlike a man), and I am shook. I'd heard the kerfuffle over the Alamo Drafthouse offering women-only screenings, and like many of you, I laughed it off. "Who cares?" thought I. "Just a few crazy dames putting on their lipstick and letting the dishes soak while they go have their little hen party, watching a movie about some kickass World War I soldiers and their gal pal. Let 'em have their fun before they come home. To whom? Daddy, that's whom. Or who. Whichever is manlier."
But let me tell you this, dear reader -- and by "dear," I don't mean "my dear," like a lady, because men, right now I want you to stop reading this out loud to your little lady. Go have her fix us a nice glass of Scotch. You read this alone. Stop moving your lips so she doesn't see. Or move to a room she isn't allowed in, like your tannery / bodybuilding studio. Good. Now that we're alone, I can warn you: Wonder Woman isn't about kickass World War I soldiers and their gal pal. It's about a kickass gal and her World War I buddies. The men ... they're ... secondary characters!
At my screening, there was an actual woman dressed as Wonder Woman in the crowd. Whole groups of ladies sat together, unchaperoned and eating food that appeared to not even be low-fat, as though they weren't concerned with maintaining their figures. There were cheers when Wonder Woman leapt into the fray and fought men. Penis-having men! And she won! Pretty easily!
I get fiction. I understand the principles of fantasy and whimsy. I get that ladies like to imagine themselves as a princess or a scullery maid. But those stories all have princes or wealthy barons who serve a crucial storytelling function: They let the woman know what to do and when she needs to do it. And those men also save the day from the villain so the woman can be safe and then offer her vulva to the man in a show of respect and appreciation. Do you know how much of that happened in Wonder Woman? I think none. I can't remember because I blacked out for a spell, and when I woke up I was sharing a coffee with a woman and listening to her opinion on something. And I found it interesting!
All the old staples of Wonder Woman are present in the film, but not one of them is even remotely explained. I can only assume the editor was a complete fool. Hopefully, the director's cut explains even a fraction of the otherwise-gaping plot holes. Like, how is there an island of just women, yet it's covered in statues and stone buildings and there are numerous weapons? Who made all that stuff? And Wonder Woman has a magical lasso that compels people to tell the truth, yet the first time we see it, a woman is using it. How? You can't just guess at shit like this! C'mon, man!
So here's the thing. When I was a kid, I was really into the Hulk. I had a Hulk Halloween costume and I wanted to be the Hulk. I imagined how great it would be to be so super strong and smash things. Now imagine the little girls going to see Wonder Woman, and having that same sense of awe that I felt about the Hulk. Imagine them deciding they want to be strong, independent heroes. Imagine them wanting to take the lead and change the world. For the better! I mean ... what?
Imagine those female-only Wonder Woman screenings. Imagine a room full of ladies being awed by this super strong, super heroic character -- who has a uterus, I'm willing to bet -- and them thinking that this sort of anti-man discrimination is OK. Maybe they can see other movies without men. Maybe they can have women-only gyms and spas. Maybe they'll open up schools that only girls can attend! Maybe they'll have some kind of girl-only fraternities! And groups where girls can learn useful skills funded by the sale of delicious goddamn cookies! Is that the world you want to live in? Maybe lesbians will stop having sex with men! THEN WHAT??
Listen, I love the ladies as much as any man who hopes to one day shower with a lady and work a nipple like the dial on an old-timey television set. I get it. But I also get that it's superHEro, not superSHEro. They spell it that way for a reason. It's because they're men. And they know what they're doing.
Women are great at all kinds of things -- they can rub your neck really well, and they're super better at folding those fitted sheets. But aren't men the true heroes of the world? Without men, would we have life-changing inventions like syringes, life rafts, the electric refrigerator, computer software, algorithms, Kevlar, or residential solar power? I don't know how to check, but I'm assuming no.
I know a fear now. A fear that all the chicks and honeys and babes of the world are going to be all "Please stop calling me those names." But it's deeper than that, and I'll tell you why. I'll tell you my dread secret: I fear I'm going to respect their wishes. Because I, dear male reader, thought Wonder Woman was pretty awesome. I felt my own ovaries, ever so faintly, flutter during the action scenes. I felt like it was just a good movie instead of a good lady movie.
So protest on, man-friends. Do it for the Gipper, if you for some reason know me as the Gipper. Because I am lost to you now. I have to trade in my testicles for a smaller, less robust pair that come with a matching clutch. I liked Wonder Woman. I felt OK with the lady folk going to see it. I'm a lost cause. But you don't have to be. You can hold fast to your belief that women don't deserve their own things, and that men can, should, and need to be at the forefront of every aspect of a woman's life. You can hold on to that belief.
Are you doing that? Are you holding on?
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Things could always be much, much worse.
The cops will come swooping in the seconds the credits roll.
You've probably never heard of it.