If there's anything this election taught us, it's that we now live in a world in which protecting your online presence is tantamount to protecting your physical presence. Hackers can remotely access everything, from your bank statement to your personal email. That's why you need cyber security.
Cyber security? Do you mean like RoboCop?
No, not a robot doing security work. Though that would also be great. Wait, have you seriously never heard of cyber security? It's 2017.
Of course we have. But you control what we say to fit your narrative.
Boba Fett was the only guy cool enough to hang with both Darth Vader and Jabba the Hutt. The Predator fought Carl Weathers and beat him in the first round. Together, they form the Fettator. No, the Fettator won't do disintegrations, and he can't see you if you're covered in mud, but he has enough roguish honor to never star in a movie in which he fights Xenomorphs. And that's more than enough.
We're not sure exactly how comic book Walter White gained his super powers. Did he fall into a vat of his own chemical concoction? Was he bitten by a radioactive Gale? Other science magic? Nobody knows. And that's why, if you wear this T-shirt, you can write whatever origin story you want. And eventually, you can be the one to create the New Mexico Avengers with The Incredible Walt, Captain Cook, Zombie Tuco, and S.A.U.L. ("Super And Usually Lying") That's a billion-dollar franchise right there.
Remember life before all of the government hacking and WikiLeaks and internet espionage? Remember when the only hack you had to know was up-up-down-down-left-right-left-right-B-A-start? We sure do. Take this T-shirt and remind people of a simpler time.
"Thank you," they'll say, the misery gone for the first time in years.
"I'M PLAYING TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES. CAN'T YOU SEE THAT? CHRIST," you'll justifiably scream back.
Am I being watched?
It's possible. So you might want to burn your TV and rub salt on your webcam, or whatever that weird website told you to do to prevent hacking. Most of all, you might want to check out what the Cracked Store has to keep people from peeping on your business.
Hushed is an app that lets you make calls or send text from a second, customizable phone number without revealing your actual number. To those who can't figure out a reason for something like this to exist, we cherish your innocence. Come here and let us pinch those precious little cheeks. You. Are. Adorable. Here's a nickel for the candy store.
Infinity VPN is an online privacy and protection service provided by VPN Unlimited, one of the leading VPN providers on the planet. With Infinity, you get unlimited traffic bandwidth, unlimited high-speed connection, and data encryption on up to 10 devices. If that's not enough devices protected for you, then dear lord, why do you have so many devices? You don't have to buy everything Apple releases. Maybe this year skip the "iPhone blah blah S" and try to read a book.
Considering that America appears to be gearing up for Cold War 2: Day Of Reckoning and Russian hackers are supposedly all up in our business, there's never been a better time to get into the field of cyber security. This comprehensive course bundle will teach you everything, from hunting for malware to picking the right catchphrase to shout after stopping a cybercrime. Personally, we like "This internet ain't big enough for the both of us!" but you can totally invent your own if you want.
Forgetting a password sucks. It's why we haven't checked our email since 2009. And now that more and more services require unique, complicated passwords, remembering them is harder than ever. That is, until you get a Sticky Password subscription. Sticky Password provides strong encrypted passwords for all of your accounts, and is managed by a single master password that only you know. If you still manage to forget the master password after that, well, enjoy attaching notes to pigeons.
Mwahahaha! They'll never hack me now!
That's right. Your DeviantArt collection is safe and sound. But just to be certain, you can get everything you need by scrolling up and clicking on the links. Or you can find even more cool stuff from Cracked in the Cracked Dispensary and the Cracked Store. And just to be safe, in the comments, list your top 10 favorite passwords. It's for security.
Whose job is it to solve crimes?
The cops will come swooping in the seconds the credits roll.
The most unrealistic thing about fictional villains is that they don't get arrested until the plot calls for it.