At this point, you're probably thinking, "Makes sense so far. But hey, Soren, what about the salvation part? Shouldn't those testicles be wearing a crown of thorns or something?" Great question. I'm trying to keep the theme consistent with Save the Ta-tas. Yes, the salvation aspect is important, but the sexiness has to come first, otherwise there's the chance women will lose interest and get distracted. That's why I've put the metaphorical balls in real tuxedos. I honestly struggled with this at first, because they looked like two testicle grooms getting married. While that cause is also important, it's very different from what I'm aiming for. That's why I added the James Bond guns as well. If there's one thing women love more than testicles, it's James Bond. And if there's one thing they love more than James Bond, it's two James Bonds, shaped like testicles. Believe me, those are words everyone can live by.
Lastly, you are probably curious what work my foundation will do, to which I answer "Not much." I'm sort of banking on the idea that my logo will do most of the legwork in getting this campaign off the ground. And while I will keep my garage door open on Sunday afternoons for walk-up questions and general testicle talk, I don't have much of a plan beyond that. My girlfriend has begrudgingly agreed to bake some ball-shaped cookies (with nuts), and between those and the pins I made, I will be reminding the world that scrota exist, and some of them aren't very healthy.
Services my foundation will almost certainly NOT be providing include:
Healthy testicle showcases
Cleaning the cookie pan
Testicle tuxedo tailoring
Testicle autographing (the signing of testicles or allowing my own testicles to sign anything)
As a final note, I want to make it abundantly clear that I am not starting this foundation in a duplicitous attempt to steal the spotlight from cancer, and I am certainly not starting it just to "avoid cleaning out the garage for another goddamn weekend," as some of the naysayers have suggested. If you or anyone you know works for Save the Ta-tas, please contact me so that we can move forward. I'm excited about the prospect of fighting the war on this disease by way of a conspicuously sexual adventure, somehow. And I particularly look forward to the day when my balls can high five your breasts because they fixed cancer, together. Call me.
You can donate or find actual information about breast cancer here. Or find information and ways to donate in the fight against testicular cancer here.
Special thanks to Dan Campagna and Randall Maynard for being better at Photoshop than me.
For more from Soren, check out The 5 Creepiest Defense Attorney Websites and 6 Tips for Photography (At Your Ex-Girlfriend's Wedding).
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