This piece was written by the people who run the Cracked Store to tell you about products that are being sold there.
You may still feel miffed from high school over not grasping the concepts of chemistry or biology, or for not being able to ever figure out where a dang spleen is. But science forgives you, because science loves everyone -- even the people who slept through it. Think about how many things around you that were either invented or improved by science. Gravity. Nuclear fusion. The crock pot. Those were all science, baby, and we've got more science-y goodness coming at you right now.
It's no accident that Tesla, the true God of Thunder, is our most popular T-shirt design. With each passing year, the mythos behind Tesla only grows. And considering that he brought us stuff like alternating current electricity, radar, and international radio communication, being equated with the third-best Avenger almost feels like a demotion. But hey, it was either this title or "TESLA: SORT OF LIKE FORGE. REMEMBER FORGE? HE WAS THE MACHINES GUY FROM THE X-MEN. AH, FORGET IT," so it's still pretty neat.
Becoming a doctor isn't easy nowadays. You need four years of medical school, three years in residency, and whatever the heck the last season of Scrubs was about. Not to mention the countless years you have to spend traveling through space and time completing various intergalactic quests. Then tack on rising insurance premiums eating your paycheck, and suddenly power-sawing through an alien's gut hardly seems worth it anymore. But while the life of a doctor is no longer what it used to be, you do come away with a deeper appreciation of the human condition. And isn't using lines like that to get laid what being a doctor is really all about?
All the BB-8 hype aside, there's nothing like going vintage. We've turned everyone's favorite old-school droids into some old-school audio equipment, and we think the mash-up is as harmonious as a John Williams composition over a space backdrop. The odds of you not enjoying this shirt? 3,720 to 1. We did the math, we swear.
Glowing orbs have been a sci-fi staple forever, and now you can have your very own with which to scare teens in the woods. This glass sphere is filled with bioluminescent dinoflagellates that glow when agitated and live entirely off sunlight. And no, dinoflagellates aren't dinosaur farts. It's cool -- we thought they were for a little while too. Get a Dino Sphere for $49.95.
Motion Ferrofluid Liquid Desk Sculpture
Think of this vessel filled with magnetic liquid as a kind of super lava lamp. Instead of waiting for the slow blobs to do something psychedelic, you conduct them yourself with magnets. We'll never be Magneto. Hell, a great majority of us will never even get to be Ian McKellen. But with this, we come just a little closer. Pick it up here $19.99.
Levitating Bluetooth Orb Speaker
Praise be The Floating Musical Orb. Hail its power and revere its crisp audio and reverberating bass. We will follow you, oh great Orb, and we will charge our phones in the outlet at your base. Spare us, for we are not worthy to house you in our living rooms for guests and followers to bask in your glory. Grab this Levitating Bluetooth Orb Speaker for $105.99.
Space Art Posters
Humans have been to space. We don't care what some underground blog in the deep web told you, Stanley Kubrick did not fabricate the moon landing. But if he did, he definitely got it right. Boy, was that man a genius. So celebrate one of the most profound achievements or sophisticated frauds in human history by grabbing one of these space art posters for $19.95.
Science Art Posters
We know that our readers generally dig science, but if you really respect the pursuit of rational knowledge, your house should be oozing with scientific vibes. Start drinking out of test tubes. Maybe replace your bathrobe with a lab coat. But above all else, refine those academic sensibilities with these science art posters for $19.95 each.
You can complete your CEO-meets-Sharper Image vibe with this transcendent maglev globe. It levitates through the power of magnetism, and harnesses the spirit of global synergy. Best of all, it goes with any known decor, whether you live in an uptown apartment, an underground super-lair, or anything in between. Get it here for $39.99.
More! I need more!
Geez, settle down for once. The Cracked Dispensary and the Cracked Store have more great gadgets for you to experiment with, and you can find them by clicking on the links above. Just remember, if you go all "mad scientist" and plot to destroy the world, you didn't get this stuff from us.
How did these hyper-specific tropes spread so quickly?
The Hollywood rumor mill has been playing games with celebrity deaths for at least a century.