This piece was written by the people who run the Cracked Store to tell you about products that are being sold there.
The march of automation is impossible to stop. Your job might soon become obsolete, and you won't be alone. Hedge fund bros will be replaced with market-tracking algorithms, doctors with disease-eating nanomachines, and insult comedians with the YOURMOM 9000. And when some creep finally finishes a machine that drops the perfect Jurassic Park reference at the perfect time, we too will be gone.
But hold onto your butts, because all hope is not lost. You can stay useful in the new economy by being one step ahead of our digital counterparts. Take a hand in shaping our grim future by becoming an expert in big data and machine learning with these online resources. (And by wearing these cool T-shirts!)
Bender was made to put the working class out of business, but his volume of alcohol consumption has probably kept more than a few bars open, so we feel it's a pretty even tradeoff. Wear this Banksy-inspired T-shirt, study up on some binary, and remember that there are a few people in the world who might forgive you for eradicating the entire blue collar sector, as long as you bring Jack Daniels when you do it.
Voltron is back with a vengeance, and this time he's got an extra appendage to help fight evil. The good news is that at least one new pilot job opened up in the marketplace. The bad news is that you'd be piloting a ... groin of justice? A knob of truth? A crotch of humanity? Look, it's another potential career opening up in a tough industry. We can't be picky.
No industry is safe from automation, not even artistic ones. There used to be a time when you could sit at a bar and put bread in a piano man's jar. Nowadays, the piano man is a 10-story cyborg armed with a laser cannon and a keytar sword. It doesn't matter how well you can sing or how smoothly you can play when the competition can literally cleave you in two with their rendition of "We Didn't Start The Fire."
The Complete Machine Learning Bundle
This course bundle will introduce you to the basics of using AI to analyze large volumes of data, perform speech recognition, make recommendations, and quantify the insanity of Twitter users. With over 60 hours of content, you'll learn the theory and application of various machine learning principles. And if the ending of Ex Machina is any indication, this is definitely something you'll want to learn if you hope to survive. Get the Complete Machine Learning Bundle here for $39.
Amazon Web Services Technical Certification Training
Computer systems can't administer themselves (yet), which means that most companies still need digital plumbers to unclog the works when some code jockey flushes some bad bits into the cloud. This course will ready you for Amazon Web Services certification by teaching you how to manage their on-demand computing platform. Then take your cyber-plunger and get ready to go to town. Pick it up here for $39.
The Big Data Bundle
No longer will you need to wrangle unsuspecting interns to find patterns in massive data volumes. Tools like Spark, Hadoop clusters, and Pig allow you to easily structure information and discover trends. But how do you learn the secrets behind all of those 1's and 0's? This Big Data Bundle, of course! Now your interns are free to do something actually important, like be a human footstool in case your corns start acting up. Grab these nine courses for $45.
Full Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) Diploma Course
We know that we've been hitting you with a lot of computer courses, but maybe you're so far gone that you barely know your keyboard from your sandwich board. That's OK. (Well, sort of. Stop typing on your Reuben.) If computers ain't your thing, you can stay professionally relevant by breaking into the managerial class with some charisma training. Trick people into thinking you are smarter than they are by improving your body language and personal psychology with this mind-hacking course. Pick it up for $39.
The Deep Learning And Artificial Intelligence Introductory Bundle
Unfortunately, the term "deep learning" in the Deep Learning and Artificial Intelligence Introductory Bundle isn't referring to sage advice from Jack Handey. But you could probably simulate his timeless wisdom if you fed enough deep thoughts into a neural network. To teach computers that "Home is where the house is," and understand how Google can generate its creepily accurate personalized search results, get this Deep Learning and Artificial Intelligence Introductory Bundle here for $39.
Cracked, how do I keep the AI at bay?
Careful, they could be studying you right now. Just click on these links to the Cracked Dispensary and the Cracked Store for more learning bundles / robot knowledge, and maybe -- just maybe -- you'll come out of this with your job still intact.