6

They Prioritized a Fix That Screws You out of More Money

Let's look at the second set of issues, listed in the same Ubisoft post as above.

Ubisoft

So, what's wrong there? Graphics, interactions, and co-op -- aka the entire damn game. This is worse than Atari's Pac-Man, the second-most blatantly broken cash-in in gaming history, because at least Pac-Man couldn't fall out of the maze. And that was a game so badly programmed that even people used to Atari 2600 graphics thought they were broken. A license so thoroughly ruined that even the Alien game was a better Pac-Man.

Fox Video Games
At no point did this actively prevent you from playing or trap you in a pile of pre-horse manure.

But don't worry. Ubisoft is all over this: they released a patch that fixed the Helix Credits, the in-game, spend-real-money store. You noticed that "Helix Credits issues" in the above list? Yes, they fixed the ability for you to pay even more money before they made it so your character doesn't erroneously fall through the ground. That's like shitting on your bathroom floor and then charging you admission to come look at it. They created a game where you can fall into a featureless void where you can do nothing but give them more money.

Ubisoft
In fairness, that's their dream game.

5

Its Primary Feature Doesn't Work

Assassin's Creed is the exemplar of the recent trend in Seven Dwarfs sequels: nearly identical with slightly altered graphics and exactly one distinguishing feature. And we only wish these things were limited to seven entries. (AC is up to eight in the primary series.) AC:U's great big deal is multiplayer. E3, advertising images, even the cover -- they all focused on only one thing: there being more than one player.

Ubisoft
The boys are back in town, the boys are DISCONNECTED.

The game's one true distinguishing feature. Just guess if it works.

Jack Hollingsworth/Photodisc/Getty Image
We wanted to give you a laugh after that pony art.

I'm hammering this because it's impossible to get across just how broken this game is without asking you to disconnect your Internet. Which Ubisoft did. They actually asked people to disable their Internet connections to "potentially" fix frame-rate problems. Which doesn't work. That's 10 levels past "turn it off and on again." We've arrived at "turn it off, then disconnect it, then just ... just go away. Stop bothering us. You already paid."

Oh, and if you want to deal with that little "game crashes at the main menu" thing? Delete all your game contacts! If Willy Wonka reviewed this game, he'd wonder why it was so insane and unworkable.

4

They Prevented Reviews From Warning People

Make no mistake: Ubisoft didn't release the game this way unknowingly. They hurled garbage at the market, and they prevented reviewers from warning people to duck. Embargoes forbade sites from publishing reviews until up to 12 hours after the game was released. Rule 1 of buying things is: if they don't want you to check it out before you buy it, it's a con. Always. Always.

3

It's More Multimedia Marketing Engine Than Game

Video game power-ups are the purest pleasure possible: happiness and achievement utterly disconnected from all physical matter, and therefore the closest modern technology can take us to becoming pure energy beings. Crackdown's agility orbs were the world's first functioning virtual narcotic. And now Assassin's Creed has reversed the polarity of power-ups, turning them into chores.

To open a gold chest you have to sign up for a Uplay account -- selling your personal data for entirely pretend money -- but the blue chests are even worse. They require you to install the "companion app" on your smartphone and play a glyph game.

Ubisoft
"Yeah, you go ahead with that game stuff, I'm going to crouch here looking for my phone for a while."

When do you normally stop to play a smartphone game? Is it when you're already having fun? No, you stop to crush candy when you're bored, or in the middle of bullshit, or otherwise wish you weren't doing what you were doing. Ubisoft has created software to simulate the symptoms of sucking, on top of a game that is already sucking. Because creating what was doubtless referred to as "multiplatform consumer engagement" was more important than the main game. Video games have always been obedience-training tools, and now they're using it to train superior consumers.

Ubisoft
"Sit down! Get the chest! Surrender your marketing data! Good boy!"

2

It Is Yet Another Sexist Screw-Up

The assassins in AC:U are doing more than just killing a few select targets -- they're clearly out to end human civilization. How else do you explain the fact that the game offers four-player co-op but nobody's a woman? I mean, I'm no biologist, and the game is set in the 18th century, but I think the number of women in the world is at least one in four. Maybe even one in two! But AC:U's technical and creative directors explained that female cooties were simply too much hassle to bother programming.

vivalaepobon/iStock/Getty Images
"Even that pony art has females in it."

This is a game for which developers spent two years simulating a cathedral.

Amazingly, Creative Director Alex Amancio explained that all the extra animating and voicing would have been even more work because the game has "customizable assassins." Which is ... which is the opposite of what those words mean. You can build any assassin you want, as long as he's male. It's more important that a guy have multiple hoodies than a woman have the ability to exist.

Ubisoft
"Yeah, feeling real good about getting this felt hood instead of an entire gender."

1

Ubisoft Shares Dropped 12.8 Percent After Its Release

I know that video game developers are businesses and their goal is to make money. But that's a motive for bullshit, not an excuse for it. Especially when they're not even making the money. After AC:U was released Ubisoft share prices dropped 12.8 percent.

XiXinXing/XiXinXing/Getty Images
"Come back! Stop flying away on the winds of these fart noises!"

It's recovering, but as I write this it still hasn't climbed back to its previous height. Possibly because it got stuck in a wall when I pressed the "parkour up" button and is now repeatedly trying to grab an invisible ledge.

Ubisoft
Or possibly engaging in "Stayin' Alive."

This was a conscious decision to release something unfinished, take the money, and damn the consequences. But like a restaurant releasing underdone chicken, they've finally caused too much shit and are in trouble. We all know that share prices fluctuate wildly (almost as if they, too, are a wildly unstable cash-extraction machine barely tethered to reality), but blowing an entire eighth off your value has to sting.

The share analogy is a good one. Because there can be crashes that level entire industries. At least this time the assholes won't be able to wipe out the entirety of gaming. Games like Deus Ex: Human Revolution prove that AAA releases can still be magnificent, Team Fortress 2 shows that big-budget blowouts can merge with online communities and adapt to online markets, and hundreds of independent games offer more polished fun for a few dollars than Assassin's Cutscene has in the last decade.

The real fault is ours. The companies release what we'll buy, and we still love these big-budget games. Luckily, we can save them with one simple step. Stop preordering. These billion-dollar companies don't need funding to support development. All the preorder bonuses, collectors editions, exclusive advance unlocks, and the incredible hype that builds up game releases more than space launches? It's all designed to distract you from deciding if a game is worth your money. Even the most ridiculously rapidly updating series still manages only one entry per year. No need to preorder. All we have to do is be patient and wait one week and we'll be able see if a new game is worth spending money on.

And after a few years of that, it will be.

Enjoy Gaming's Greatest Gaming Glitches, or see more expensive electronic idiocy in 6 Insane eSports Scandals.

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Luke writes about how Mario Kart 8 disproves democracy, tumbles, and responds to every single tweet.