7

Polly Got Some Molly

Look at this pigeon.

AlArabiya.net

6

Yoga Goats

Ecstasy too mind-altering for you? Don't worry, you can get to that other plane pretty easy without grinding your teeth down to nubs, and all you need to do is swap your pigeon for a goat. And who the f**k doesn't like goats, aside from the family in that movie The Witch?

Goat yoga is what happens when you have a terrible idea (yoga) and then punch it in the balls with the best idea (goats). The result is an idea that is not the best idea ever, because you're still doing yoga, but it's a hell of a lot better than doing yoga without goats. And do you know why? Because there's goats, goddammit! GOATS!

iStock
This is called "Kid's Pose." Ha ha, yoga humor.

5

Cat Cuddlers

Speaking of goats, what are your thoughts on cats? Did you know the internet loves cats? Cats are the everyman, the Jim from The Office, so relatable they've survived a near-fatal dose of memes.

Cats historically have killed Egyptian kings and hated Mondays. But now they need our help, and not from trying to cram their fat little bodies into too small a box. A veterinary clinic in Ireland is in desperate need of a cat cuddler. Because in your privileged ignorance, have you ever stopped to consider how cats get cuddled out in the world? You just assumed cuddles grew on trees next to your Prius and your mocha soy avocado Gucci nuggets. Well they don't, you goddamn patriarchy snowflake buzzword. Cats in veterinary offices need cuddles STAT, and the vet is way too busy putting his finger in a different cat's anus to deal with your cat's abandonment issues. So some lucky individual gets to take on the mantle of the cat cuddler: he or she who will pet and hold and probably get bit by strange cats who are highly stressed out and maybe really ill. Fun!

iStock
Worth it.

4

Prison Kitties

We all knew cats had mastered the ancient art of sleep. But did you also know cats have managed to do what the entire justice system has heretofore unable to do? Cats can rehabilitate hardened criminals! And they love lasagna!

At Indiana's Pendelton prison, rescue cats have been brought in to share some time on the inside with felons, because what the hell does a cat care where it lives? A prison is somewhat better than where we house rescue animals, so it's a win-win for everyone. Cats get a new home and cons get the experience of actually caring for and bonding with another living thing that only judges them in cold, detached silence and can't snitch when they make toilet wine.

Why give a con a cat? Those who have spent time with the cats have chilled right the hell out and feel less stress and less stabby. If the price of not getting stabbed is a cat and a dude with teardrop tattoos on his face having access to catnip mice on strings, maybe let's reevaluate the way prison rehab works and let crazy cat ladies become prison wardens.

3

Plastipillars

What's the best kind of cat? A caterpillar! That's a joke for entomologists. They're not funny. But caterpillars don't have time to care about your dad jokes; they're too busy munching your rugs or whatever else you have that's made of polyethylene.

2

Turkey Lover

How much do you love turkey? A delicious plate piled high with stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy, green beans, and some moist, succulent turkey breast? You're a monster!

1

The Gecko Bros

Oh yeah, that's why I did this article. Look at this gecko and his toy!

Instagram.com/589_tomo

Ahh. Good s**t.

For more, check out The 6 Deadliest Animals Too Adorable to Run Away From and 7 Adorable Animals That Spawn Terrifying Babies.

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