Are you following me so far? OK, now here's the deal: If they need you to perform, but you're already drunk or, let's say, tripping on psychedelic calzones (which slanderous rumors lead me to believe Kevin is totally into), you'll be in no shape to do a good job on stage. So Kevin's advice in a nutshell (which he also finds delicious) is to always be ready to perform, because you don't want to squander good opportunities.
If I could take that advice a bit further and out of Kevin's wheelhouse of eating and drinking, I'd advise that it's a good idea to be prepared with all sorts of material for different occasions and different timed sets, because, y'know, you never know.
Know Who You're Dealing With in the Crowd
Our top spot goes to comic Fred Stoller, who you might know from appearances on Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist and Everybody Loves Raymond or his book Maybe We'll Have You Back. Fred's advice is about dealing with hecklers. I'll be completely honest. I took a couple of passes at trying to find a fun way to deliver Fred's advice to you via the ol' Gladstone magic that has led so many of you to send me unsolicited porn and/or name your firstborns after me, but, try as I might, I couldn't really improve on it. I'm just quoting it outright. But before I do, let me point out that fortunately there are fewer and fewer people believing that heckling is part of the comedy experience these days. It's almost as easy to scream stupid s**t at a comic on stage as it is to leave half-wit trolling comments online, and people seem to be doing it less. Sober people.
Pies in the face? Squirting lapel flowers? Sure. But there's no place for heckling in comedy.
There are all sorts of ways to deal with a rude audience, but as Fred points out, before doing so, you should probably get a good look at who's heckling you:
"Once, in San Antonio, a crowd wasn't with me and these two women in the front were talking during my whole act, but no one heard them except for me. Usually the ushers tell people who are disrupting a show that if they're not quiet, they'll be kicked out. I told the usher to tell them that. He misinterpreted that as 'Kick them out.' Turned out one of them was on crutches and it looked like I kicked a crippled woman out. The crowd booed me off the stage."
Well, there you have it. Six pieces of advice for not dying on stage. But that's not to say you couldn't apply each and every one of these entries to your real life as a real estate broker or fishmonger. Each of these is universal, especially if you don't understand what words mean. Words like "universal," for example.
If you're in New York City, come see how well Gladstone applies these lessons at his April 12 stand-up set at The Saloon.
Or come see him film a live new episode of HATE BY NUMBERS at the Calgary Expo on April 26. Also, be sure to follow Gladstone on Twitter and stay up-to-date on the latest regarding Notes from the Internet Apocalypse. And then there's his website and Tumblr, too.