If I'd Realized This About Myself Sooner:
Well, I've paid for prescription eyeglasses about six times in my life, at an average of around $150 per pair. So if I'd come to this shattering self-realization sooner, that would've meant two things:
1. I would have saved like $900 dollars.
2. I would've gone down in the record books as the Third Least Intimidating Serial Killer in History, just behind Penguin Ted and the Soft Hands Strangler.
I Might Be an Alcoholic
presents you with a list of companions to take along on each mission, and they all have specific traits, fighting styles, and 'perks' (special abilities they grant the player when travelling with you). Here is the list: An impossibly strong, schizophrenic purple hulk, who grants you nigh-invisibility.
The best sniper in the world and overall murder machine, who highlights your targets for you in the dark.
An adorable hipster girl with explosive fists, who allows you to build weapons on the fly.
An effete gay doctor with a laser gun (and later, full robot armor) who helps you heal faster.
A Mexican Zombie MacGyver, who fixes all of your shit for you.
And a redneck chick who is utterly useless in battle, has no redeeming personality traits, and has a history of alcohol abuse.
Guess which one is going on an epic journey that will change the fate of mankind forever?
Yep. It's the glorified Denny's waitress. Why? Well, her special power - the perk she grants your character whenever she's around - is the ability to get slightly drunker than usual, and to wake up without hangovers. This is the team I decided was best suited for saving the ravaged world from itself: A girl whose turn-ons include "Muddin'" and