5

Hearing a Phone Number Right on the First Listen

Look, some people are just crap at giving their phone number. They rush through it and mumble. Or sometimes you're trying to hear the number in a terrible environment. Maybe you can't hear it over the pounding dance beat at the club or the wail of police sirens as you seek digits at the local high school, you creep. But I don't have any excuses. I just can't hear phone numbers right in my head the first time. Well, not never, but be prepared to say it more than once.

It took me years to learn the lyrics to this song.

4

Getting Back Home by Reversing Directions

Hey, this one is slowly going away because cars are coming with navigational systems and we're plugging in our iPhones, but back in the day, people used to give you directions. And then more recently you'd print directions off MapQuest. That's great for going one way, but how do you get home? Well, if you're not a pathetic loser, what you used to do was reverse the directions. Oh, you traveled east to get here? Go west to get home.

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"You could have printed 'reverse directions.'" --Shut up, loser.

This is easily done. No one should have a problem with this. I often have a problem with this. I have no idea why. Here is what it sounds like in my head:

"OK. Expressway coming up. We can go north or south. Well, we came from the north, so we were traveling south. So now that we're coming from the south, we need to go north. Ooh, Cinnabon. 17 West in 5 miles? Where did the exit go for ... oh, there it is, south ... FUCK!"

3

Writing Your Signature on the "Print Name" Line

Forms have two lines: 1) sign here and 2) print your name because no one can read your disgusting scribble of a signature. But how can we tell them apart? Are we gods? They're both long straight black lines. What fresh hell is this?

Of course, the print name line says "print name" under it and the signature line says "signature" under it, but still!

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If filling out your name is so easy, why do they give you 200 points for it on the SATs?

2

Pulling the Right Amount of Tin Foil

This is another food-based one, which is weird because I think of myself as a pretty fine food-cooker person. I think that's called a chef? In any event, I'm a chicken parmesan master. Seriously, chickens come running just for the chance to be murdered, purchased, and ultimately baked by me.

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Or maybe they're just fleeing the unholy conditions on most poultry farms, welcoming sweet death.

But even though I'm a master at the breading, frying, and baking, I still have a hard time pulling the appropriate amount of tin foil to cover the cookie tray where I'll be baking my cutlets. See, you want the right amount to just fold over the edges, thereby ensuring there's no grease on the tray and also no foil slippage when you're spatula-ing out your cutlets. But half the time I either overshoot or undershoot. This entry should probably end with a joke, and based on the preceding sentence, it should probably be some sort of crappy sex joke, but instead of doing that, I'm going to not do that. You're welcome.

1

Saying "Thank You" Wrong

When someone says something nice to you, you say "Thank you." That's it. If you want to get crazy, however, sometimes you go for "You too." However, as all non-brain-dead people know, those two sentiments are not interchangeable.

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Also apples are not oranges.

Sure, if someone says, "Have a nice weekend," you can go right ahead and say, "You too." You're both having weekends and you're reciprocating their nice wishes. But not everyone who's wishing you well is about to undergo the same experience as you. Accordingly, if someone says the following, just say "Thank you":

1. Enjoy your meal

2. Have a nice flight

3. Have a great time having your prostate massaged by Mistress Godwina

"You too" just won't work there 9 times out of 10 (unless the sex dungeon you frequent allows the hostess to engage in festivities). Keep it simple. Stick with "Thank you," and remember to tip the hostess at your sex dungeon.

Watch the new HATE BY NUMBERS, where Will.i.am of the Black Eyed Peas recruits Britney Spears to make even worse music. Also, be sure to follow Gladstone on Twitter and stay up-to-date on the latest regarding Notes from the Internet Apocalypse. And then there's his website and Tumblr, too.