5

Newt Got Stuck With The Worst Possible Person In Aliens

Wikipedia

When Aliens picks up, it's over 50 years since the first film and Ripley's 11-year-old daughter has now died of old age (in her 60s, no less, so the computers in those movies aren't the only things that are weirdly outdated now). But lucky for her, she picks up a surrogate daughter in Newt. It's not so lucky for Newt, though.

When Ripley finds her, she's been successfully surviving, alone and unarmed, in Hadley's Hope for at least a month or so by living in the vents. Meanwhile, as soon as she links up with Ripley and her Colonial Marines, they manage to almost get her killed a half-dozen times in about 72 hours.

Aliens
"Please put me back. Seriously, I'll be fine."

First, there's the scene where Ripley drives an armored car, with Newt inside, at high speed into a nest of aliens to save Hicks, Hudson, and Vasquez.

Later, she shoves Newt out of the way, back into a room full of Xenomorphs, to climb into a vent first. Ostensibly it's so she can look for creatures, but come on, that kid had been vent-living for weeks. Surely she knows how to navigate away from them.

And all that's before she accidentally drops Newt down a sewer tunnel and lets her get kidnapped by one of the aliens. That, in and of itself, wouldn't be so bad since it was an accident, except that leads to Ripley's greatest sin against childkind.

While escaping from the alien queen, Ripley and Newt find an assload of eggs. Instead of quickly getting Newt the hell out of there, she stops to set fire to everything because ... well, no reason at all, really.

Aliens
"We're probably both going to die, but god, this is cathartic."

4

Arnold Just Does Not Give A Fuck In Last Action Hero

Wikipedia

In Last Action Hero, a kid named Danny is sucked into his favorite movie series -- a schlocky action blockbuster saga named after its hero, Jack Slater (played by Arnold Schwarzenegger in both the movie's universe and in real life). Danny pairs up with Jack to solve a crime in his fictional world before the action shifts to the real world. In either world, however, Danny's lucky he didn't end up getting scraped off the sidewalk.

Now, in fairness, Slater's world is very different from ours. People don't feel as much pain, there are cartoon cats, and every woman is a supermodel. You can still die, however, and several people in the film do. Danny even realizes that he's not invulnerable, despite being a main character, when he plays chicken with a car while he's on a bicycle. Specifically, because he's the comic relief, and is thus disposable.

Last Action Hero
"PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO KILL ME!"
"And?"

3

Brendan Fraser Is Officially The Worst Guardian Ever

Wikipedia

At the bottom of this inverse pyramid of terrible adults who have no business being anywhere near kids is Brendan Fraser, because he stars in not one, but two films where he displays judgement that is so poor it makes you wonder if his parents didn't attempt to feed him to wolves as a child and now things like that just seem normal to him.

In the 2008 version of Journey To The Center Of The Earth, he plays Trevor, a volcanologist who is saddled with his nephew for just under two weeks when he discovers that his disappeared brother (the kid's dad) may have found a door to the center of the Earth.

Wikipedia
Just like in the book!

2

Please Don't Bring Your Children To Jurassic Park

Wikipedia

Do you remember the very beginning of Jurassic Park? It's a bunch of guys in the rain, trying to wrangle a velociraptor when one of them gets killed. If you haven't seen the movie for a long time, you might forget that this is the impetus for the whole story. John Hammond invites a bunch of scientists and his lawyer to the park to sign off on it and say that it's safe in spite of that guy dying.

1

What The Hell Is Indiana Jones Doing With Short Round?

Wikipedia

Of all the Indiana Jones films, Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom has one thing in spades that the other films almost entirely lack: Virulent racism. Also, a boatload of sexism.

One of the most intensely racist things in the film (probably second, behind the "dinner" scene) is Indy's child sidekick, Short Round (obviously not his real name).

He's such a pastiche of every East-Asian stereotype, it's a wonder Steven Spielberg restrained himself from putting a rice hat and fake buckteeth on him. Even worse, he's also regularly almost killed by the closest thing he has to a parent. (According to Indy, Short Round was an orphan he picked up and has been running around with for an undetermined amount of time.) The very first time we even see him, he's driving a car. A child. Driving a car. With bricks strapped to his feet so he can reach the pedals.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
Jesus Christ.

And naturally, Indy drags him along everywhere he goes. The village leader tells Indy that the palace is full of "darkness," and yet he still has Short Round (and Willie, for that matter) come along. Why in hell wouldn't he be like, "Hey, you guys stay here; this is super dangerous and you're a child and you're a person who clearly wants nothing to do with any of this"?

So Short Round almost gets crushed in a room of spikes ...

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

... rides in a rickety high-speed mine cart ...

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

... and is standing on a rope bridge ...

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

... when Indy cuts the rope holding it together.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
"Goddamn, anything else?"

He's also forced into slavery for a bit. And all of this peril was a direct result of the actions of our hero, Indiana Jones.

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