If you picked just one of those, friend, you really should reconsider your career in villainy. The correct answer is all of the above, preferably with spikes on everything. But there's one more indicator that may be more important than all the rest (yes, even the spikes): a trump card. A secret weapon or a negotiation item that'll keep the combined forces of the world from nuking your ass from here to Jupiter the second you start your shenanigans. It might be a cool moon laser, or it might be some sorry-ass scheme to control the water reserve of a poor country like that screeching French guy did in Quantum Of Solace. Pro tip: Always choose the cool moon laser. Still, you need something to properly keep the world on their toes.
Luckily, there is one place on Earth that gives you all of that: the Svalbard Global Seed Vault.
Hehehe. Hehe. Hehehehehehehe. "Seed vault."
Appropriately enough, if the Earth had a vagina, this is what a diagram of it would look like.
The vault is located in its namesake, a Norway-owned isle with a harsher climate than almost any other place Scandinavia can throw at you, granting you +3 in Hard-Ass Vikingin' right from the get-go. The more snigger-worthy part of its name comes from the tiny, nonessential fact that it just so happens to be the official storage space for most every damn nut and seed in the world in case apocalypse scorches it all.
The Nordic Gene Bank has collected over 10,000 seed samples from Nordic and African plants since 2006, clearly preparing for the inevitable scorching you will bring upon the world. With a task that grand to accomplish, the 11,000-square-foot vault is built to last: Apart from being located on a mountainy island on the ass end of everything, it's buried a good 390 feet in sandstone and includes more security measures and booby traps than the Indiana Jones and Cube franchises combined. Luckily, this is no issue to you: You still have the intangibility armor you used in your fight against Special Agent Lance Dickheart, and you slip through the security system with ease. Congratulations! You are now in possession of the most impenetrable high-tech fortress in the world, and the seeds of new life are yours to sow and reap as you see fit. Go, friend -- Immortan Joe that shit, and let no one stand in your way.
At least, until you realize that you're stuck in a small bunker in the middle of a freezing ocean, with no WiFi or cool Mad Max vehicle chase opportunities. Hey, no one ever said that the most secure lair would be the most comfortable one, did they?
Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked weekly columnist and freelance editor. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter.
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