This piece was written by the people who run the Cracked Store to tell you about products that are being sold there.
Thinking that incognito mode will save your from hackers is akin to thinking that wearing blindfolds during sex will save you from STD's. Just because no one can see what's happening doesn't mean it isn't, and it sure doesn't mean you won't come down with a burning sensation later. When it comes to safety, having the right tools can make all the difference. That's why the Cracked Dispensary and the Cracked Store are busting out everything you need to keep yourself safe online.
And some T-shirts!
If there's one person who knows a little something about infiltration and thievery, it's Catwoman. How many times has she snuck into Wayne manor and hacked into Bruce Wayne's digital mainframe with only a few keystrokes? Countless times. And yes, that's partly due to the fact that Bruce can't make a password that isn't a bat pun, but that doesn't diminish Selina Kyle's superb hacking ability. Wear this shirt as a reminder that if the world's greatest detective can be hacked, then your silly behind certainly can too.
Tesla lived during a time before the internet, but he still knows a thing or two about having his information stolen. The handsome hunk on this T-shirt died poor and alone, while Thomas Edison, having taken all of his ideas, became Mad King of the Science Fair. We like to think that if Tesla were alive today, he'd invest heavily in internet security, because he'd be damned before he got burned again by a reincarnated Edison.
If only we lived in the year 2054. Then maybe we wouldn't have to worry about hackers or cyber security. The Department of Precrime would stop online offenders before they even touched a keyboard. Then we could enjoy a nice family picnic a la this T-shirt, already certain that everything is going to be A-OK. Sadly, we don't live in that reality, but on the plus side, at least we don't have to hang out with Tom Cruise.
Regardless of whether or not your home WiFi is password-protected, your devices operate on vampire rules: Anything you let in the door can become a threat. This hardware firewall is designed to fight malware, viruses, and phishing attacks that you might have otherwise waved into your computer. By monitoring your usual network activity, it uses machine-learning protocols to detect when harmful stuff tries to pass through your router and stops it before it causes any damage. Plus, look how cute that face is! Who's a good CUJO Smart Internet Security Firewall that only costs $224.99? You are! Yes you are!
It used to be that putting tape over you laptop camera felt like a move straight from the tinfoil hat club. Nowadays, we know better. Hackers can access your cameras without much difficulty, and even tech giants like Mark Zuckerberg are sporting camera covers. The Nope features a subtle design, perfectly matching the aesthetic of your laptop or desktop. You can grab a six-pack for just $15, and we recommend doing so immediately. For all you know, a screenshot of you twirling around a booger is already floating through cyberspace.
A VPN (virtual private network) is used to obscure your online activity and prevents your devices from inadvertently leaking your location. It essentially does what you thought incognito mode does, meaning that this time around you actually are free to indulge in all the gross activities the internet has to offer. We're not here to judge. What's really cool about this particular VPN subscription is that it works internationally. So if you wish to binge-watch TV shows within the borders of the world's most oppressive regimes, then hey, don't let us stop you. Usually $477, grab a lifetime subscription to OneVPN for $49.99.
What else do you got?
So much more. Just check out the Cracked Dispensary and the Cracked Store to see our full selection of items. In the meantime, you might want to tread carefully online. Infiltrating a defenseless computer is easier than solving a monochromatic Rubik's Cube. Good luck!
Things could always be much, much worse.
The cops will come swooping in the seconds the credits roll.
You've probably never heard of it.