4

The Hunger Games

As one of the rich guys (with names like Fundank Groincakes and Lazarus Picadilly) in multicolored coats will tell you, the Hunger Games are a chance for glory, recognition, and oddly unsatisfactory monetary reward. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that you just clubbed a bunch of teenagers, but something makes that money feel a little ... dirty.

There are twenty-four tributes from twelve districts, and there can only be one winner. Yes, at the 74th Hunger Games, Katniss and Peeta threatened a double suicide until the organizers relented and declared two people from the same district as victors, but there's an overwhelming chance that you're not Katniss, and a slightly worse chance that you're not Peeta. You probably won't get to that dual survival moment, if you even make it that far. You, or the other person from your district, is going to have to eat it.

Lionsgate
If it's between you or them, you are going to need to give them the one finger salute.

3

Gladiator

Your time machine broke before you could meet a Triceratops and you're stranded in ancient Rome. No one else said "I'm Spartacus," so you've found yourself locked in a dungeon, waiting to fight other dudes for the amusement of a deranged emperor. You try not to think of how pissed off Doc Brown is going to be, but you can't help but see his disappointed face every time you close your eyes.

But not all hope is lost.

For the sake of keeping it simple, let's assume that you're going to be armed with a sword and shield, and that you have the upper body strength necessary to properly use both of those things. This scenario might alienate those that have completely replaced dumbbell curls with a steady workout of Cheetos and anime, but let's be real here. The organizer of the game is going to see the Slim Jim-stained Ultimate Spider-Man t-shirt and decide that that dude would look way better being eaten by tigers than by actually fighting in his precious arena.

Dreamworks Pictures
Which is fine with the tigers, as years of video games, Netflix, and delivery have left your meat like human veal.

2

The Running Man

The main character of The Running Man had the advantage of being Arnold Schwarzenegger. Movie character or not, he's built like someone tried to create a Scarecrow out of pure steak, and he's impervious to any kind of physical weaponry and also violent threats from white collar criminals. You're not Arnold Schwarzenegger, and if you are, we're really sorry. Please don't give us noogies until you ground our skulls into our necks.

In The Running Man, criminals are pursued on TV by designated "stalkers." The stalkers are trained in the art of murderin', so it doesn't matter what you did to be a criminal. You brought a fake ID scheme to a murder fight, and you are about to be outmatched in every way, unless those college Freshman taught you how to use multiple katanas at once. And you're not given any weapons, so that one archery class you took at Scout camp was all for nothing. You're starting at a pure disadvantage.

TriStar Pictures
We don't even mean against the good ones. We mean against guys like Dynamo.

1

Battle Royale

Critics have said that The Belko Experiment is "Office Space meets Battle Royale." The former is only about a battle to an emotional death, so it probably doesn't warrant an entry. But Battle Royale is the George Washington of flicks about confused people and the sharp objects that love them. A bunch of Japanese school children think they are taking a field trip when, in reality, they are being taken to participate in a "Battle Royale" where they have to fight to the death using a weapon that they had no hand in picking.

Toei
They never say in the movie if this winner killed everyone with the doll, but they don't not say it.

That brings us to two points: One) You're a Japanese middle schooler and have the strength of one. Two) You don't know what weapon you're going to get. The guy next to you might get a shotgun, and you'd be stuck with a small branch. But, you're middle schoolers, so there's a pretty good chance that, no matter what weapon you get, you won't have a clue about how to use it. Have you ever seen a twelve-year-old swing a longsword? Hopefully not, but let us tell you, it's not pretty. If you get stuck with the bag of marbles, and you see a dude with a crossbow, odds are you'll be able to rip that out of his dumb hands before he figures out that what he's holding isn't a weird harp.

Sure, there are going to be some middle schoolers that are a little more physically adept than the others. Everyone remember that one dude that could grow a goatee before we were even able to properly learn the Cha Cha slide. But they are few and far between. Let's assume that you probably won't run into them. So, you're stuck with your equally nerdy peers. You have to outlast your whole pre-algebra class. Do you just try to avoid them?

Toei
Should have let her copy you on the pop-quiz when you had the chance.

Sadly, the guys behind the Battle Royale tend to punish the people that just want to take naps while all the carnage is going on. You HAVE to participate, otherwise the exploding collar on your neck is going to go off and render you flesh-less, which is, by far, the worst way to be. And you have to last three days, so if you off someone and then say "Okay, guys. Filled my quota," boom, flesh-less. Under those conditions, how do you gain an advantage? Multiple people try to form gangs in the movie, and it doesn't work out for them at all. When you're twelve, you turn on people for liking Yu-Gi-Oh more than Magic: The Gathering. A killer island creates division regardless of bestie status.

Toei
"SAY PEPSI IS BETTER THAN COKE AGAIN! SAY IT ONE MORE TIME; I DARE YOU!"

How do you remain flesh-filled and remarkably non dead? You get to people before they ever get a chance to learn how to use their weapons. You familiarize yourself with the Matching Pennies scenario from Game Theory. It says that the only way to win when two people are guessing heads/tails on a coin flip against one another is to stay completely random. As soon as you show a preference for one or the other, the other player has a distinct advantage. So never stick with the same weapon. You're all starting form scratch anyway so there's no disadvantage to dropping a crossbow after one shot and picking up the flame thrower. The only way to win this game is to stay random and literally get rid of everyone else in the first day. That's an almost insurmountable amount of choking, but if your hands get tired, just remember that your limbs are going to be in different time zones if you start to whine.