5 Unhelpful Ways We Respond To A Friend In Crisis

5

Giving Obvious Advice About What You'd Do Instead

The first instinct we have when we hear about a friend's problem is to fix it. And if it's a problem that can no longer be fixed, we'll tell them how we would have obviously handled it. Clearly our friends and colleagues aren't just coming to us to vent; they're coming to us for our vast wisdom!

Sure, this can be helpful if the problem is fairly straightforward ("Next time, try adding thyme to the sauce" or "Next time, try calling the other rapper's mom ugly when you have the microphone"), though usually that kind of information is easily obtained elsewhere. Much more often, this comes off as "Here's why your stupid problem would never have happened to me!"

So if someone is upset that their boss keeps making them work unpaid overtime, don't say, "Next time he pulls that, I'd tell him to go fuck himself!" Not only is this shunning actual advice in favor of making yourself look like an assertive badass, but it's also implying that they had no good reason for not doing that the first time. It's the same for the oh-so-common advice people offer as a response to harassment: "If that drunk guy was creeping on you, why didn't you just kick him in the balls?"

4

Assuring Them That You're Not Part Of The Problem

Nothing is more devastating than realizing the proverbial ground under your feet isn't as stable as you thought. A mugging on a street you considered safe, the breakup of what you thought was a happy relationship, a Subway employee clearly rubbing his dick on your sandwich, maintaining intense eye contact the whole time. We know, rationally, that these events are rare (that street is considered safe for a reason, Subway would never have grown to its size if it employed hordes of weirdos asking if you want their "special sauce"), but that's what makes the exceptions such a shock to the system.

Naturally, if a friend has just been victimized somehow, you don't want them to compound their suffering by living in constant fear. So your impulse will be to reassure them about something they really already know -- that the thing that happened was in fact rare. Throwing statistics at them seems cold and impersonal. ("Only seven people get robbed at the corner of Picket Fence Lane and Police Station Boulevard every year! You were, uh ... one of the lucky ones!") So the next best thing is to reassure our friends that, whatever horrible thing happened to them, you are the sort of person who would never do that.

3

Assuring Them That Something Similar -- Or Worse -- Happened To You

Well, if the thing people want most is someone to listen and be reassured that they're not alone, why not say something to demonstrate that? Surely this calls for an anecdote to let them know that we too have been there.

It seems like there are only two outcomes here, and both of them are bad. The first is that it turns out your story doesn't compare at all. "It really sucks that your mom just died, but I know what you're going through. My, uh, dog died last year." You're really only expressing the opposite of what you intended, that you don't know a damned thing.

The other possible outcome is that your thing was way worse. "Oh, you're worried about paying rent? That reminds me of the brutal year I spent living on the streets." You think you're helping by providing a sense of scale, but it instead comes across like "How dare you worry about your father losing his leg in an industrial accident when my father died of cancer?!" They're not going to stop worrying about it; they're either going to feel bad for bringing it up, or annoyed that you tried to top them.

2

Offering "This Is An Opportunity In Disguise!" Inspiration

We're getting to what may be the single most common reaction to life's most typical bad news. Loss of a job, the end of a relationship, an expected opportunity that fell through -- each time, the hearer's brain leaps to "Look on the bright side!" Maybe we'll even go the extra mile and recite something we saw in an inspirational meme one time, about how disappointment is but the shit we use to fertilize our dreams.

And hey, maybe someone, somewhere, has felt better after hearing this. But the reality is that it's very easy to sit outside someone's life and, facing none of their challenges, let them know that the thing they lost just wasn't meant to be, or that what really matters is the valuable lessons they've learned, or that their layoff just means that now they can pursue their passion. "You're right, now that I've lost the material and psychological safety net that was my steady income, I will be able to focus exclusively on my my hobby of drawing cartoon dogs with impractically large erections!"

1

Feeling Like You Have To Say Something

By now, some of you are thinking "Christ, can't I say anything? I just want to be helpful!"

Well, you're being helpful just by being someone who cares enough to listen to a long rant from your friend about how their boss is an asshole, or how they don't get enough respect in the dating world, or how some arrogant know-it-all on the internet is trying to police their conversations. And sometimes that's as helpful as you can be, being there and listening without judgment. By groaning at all the right moments, by offering all the right affirmations. By agreeing that yes, a food truck that only served borscht was a great idea, despite the market's stern rejection.