Then Rob Zombie said, "Nah, let's try to figure out why he kills people." And right there he ruined it, and may as well have made literally every other masked killer movie that ever existed. How a horror fan could look at Halloween and not understand why it was different from every other movie and then decide to change that one thing is mind-boggling. The only reason I can come up with is that, when Zombie was writing the screenplay, his wife wouldn't shut up the entire time, and like some kind of crazy sci-fi sonic weapon, the shrill sound nearly liquefied his brain, and by the time he regained his senses, months had passed and he was already half-done shooting the film, with no memory whatsoever of what stupid shit he had already done.
Raisins, Apples and Toothbrushes
What are you, fuckin' new here? No one has ever in the history of all time wanted a box of raisins, and that isn't even limited to Halloween -- it's ever. Do you like raisins? Ironically, even if you answer yes, it's not true. You really don't. Raisins are the food version of sex with someone you're sort of attracted to but not crazy about, and also they have herpes. It's just not a thing with which you want to be involved.
In the exact same despicable bag as raisins are apples and toothbrushes, but at least those have real-world uses beyond Halloween. But on Halloween, an apple is about as generous a treat as spreading your scrotum skin (or labia, for you ladies) out flat on the edge of a table and having a good whack at it with a rubber mallet.
If you're not sure if kids want fruit on Halloween, feel free to find a kid right now and offer him a choice between a chocolate bar and a pear. The kid who picks the pear probably also has a small shrine of animal heads in his closet and holds hugs way longer than is appropriate.
Your toothbrush is just as thoughtless, and the reason should be obvious -- that kid already has a toothbrush. And if he doesn't, then that's really fucked up, and I don't think he's going to use the one you just gave him. But either way, you don't need strangers giving you oral hygiene tools. How does that kid know that you didn't have that brush up your ass all day before you gave it to him? How do you know that I won't do that to your toothbrush if you invite me over? You need one toothbrush at a time, and they last like six months or so, don't they? At least? Fun-sized Kit Kats last three seconds and then you need another one because that shit isn't fun. Give kids candy, don't be a twat.
You can follow Ian on Twitter @IanFortey and find out what he's doing, maybe invite him over for a sandwich. Hide your toothbrush.
What the Hell Did I Just Read: A Novel of Cosmic Horror, the third book in David Wong's John Dies at the End series, is available now!