I figured that I only have access to one ass, so I couldn't be the sole expert for this particular article. I needed to find help from someone who's up to their ass in ass on a more regular basis than I am. So I called up my local hospital and asked for a proctologist, only to be informed they're actually colorectal surgeons, and then to be informed I can't just ask for one on the phone for chatting purposes. So then I Googled one by name and asked for him. Thirty minutes later, I was being assured in no uncertain terms that I'm not funny, that colon cancer isn't funny (I never brought this up), and that surgeons don't have time for jackassery. "Jackassery" was the actual word he used.
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Thanks, Doc!
So I called a dominatrix. She was kind enough to meet me within an hour, and maybe somewhat bemused when I said that I wasn't interested in actively doing butt stuff. Nonetheless, I was paying for her time, so she was willing to share tea with me and discuss her knowledge of asses, provided I not use her real name. Incidentally, I have no idea what her real real name is, but I guarantee that the name she gave me was about as real as if I started calling myself Starbuck Uppercutt Blast-Radius. Nonetheless, she didn't want me publishing it, lest her customers fear their butts will end up on Cracked. So for the remainder of the article, she'll be Assphyxia Sphincts. She almost smiled when I proposed the name. I think she likes me.