I figured that I only have access to one ass, so I couldn't be the sole expert for this particular article. I needed to find help from someone who's up to their ass in ass on a more regular basis than I am. So I called up my local hospital and asked for a proctologist, only to be informed they're actually colorectal surgeons, and then to be informed I can't just ask for one on the phone for chatting purposes. So then I Googled one by name and asked for him. Thirty minutes later, I was being assured in no uncertain terms that I'm not funny, that colon cancer isn't funny (I never brought this up), and that surgeons don't have time for jackassery. "Jackassery" was the actual word he used.

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Thanks, Doc!

So I called a dominatrix. She was kind enough to meet me within an hour, and maybe somewhat bemused when I said that I wasn't interested in actively doing butt stuff. Nonetheless, I was paying for her time, so she was willing to share tea with me and discuss her knowledge of asses, provided I not use her real name. Incidentally, I have no idea what her real real name is, but I guarantee that the name she gave me was about as real as if I started calling myself Starbuck Uppercutt Blast-Radius. Nonetheless, she didn't want me publishing it, lest her customers fear their butts will end up on Cracked. So for the remainder of the article, she'll be Assphyxia Sphincts. She almost smiled when I proposed the name. I think she likes me.

Ms. Sphincts told me that butt stuff is fairly common in her line of work, with more than 50 percent of her clients interested in, or at least open to, having something going on back there every single session. Yes, they're all men, and they tend to identify as straight as well.

Her arse arsenal includes vibrators, butt plugs, prostate massagers, and dildos. It's like a tool chest for a contractor who never makes eye contact and never stops giggling. My new friend also shows off one that was modeled after a horse dong and is as long as my arm. After putting it on the table between us, we sit in silence for a long moment, because I really want to start laughing, but she looks so serious that I don't know what reaction I can give that will allow me safe passage at the end of this. I opt for red-faced silence for a moment, before pointing out that she owns a rubber horse dick. She concurs.

I'm forced to ask about the horse wang, and to my maybe-relief, I'm told that it's very rare that anyone wants to use it. She's only had two clients who were fans, though there are others whom she will tease and/or threaten with it. So it's like a police taser kind of dong -- a tool meant to intimidate you into listening.

Butt stuff needs to have limits, I'm told. It's kind of an oddly vague statement, but I am reminded of a story I once heard about a dude who had sex with an actual horse and ended up dying because it was an actual horse. Obviously, that happened. Your ass is like a pocket in your pants; don't go shoving things like horses into it. Shove things like ... a finger into it. Or loose change. Not beasts of burden.

Assphyxia tells me that there are definite realms of sensation that some people are more interested in than others, and that there's no real way to predict who is going to be into what. Some people want their limits tested. She has clients who like to have bigger and thicker things jammed in their asses every time they see her. She says she's willing to entertain that kind of play, but only safely and over time, and as long as she's sure her client's health is not at risk.

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Horses are always a risk.

A few years back, Assphyxia had a client who tried to work himself like a butter churn in between visits to see her. His weapon of choice was the wooden handle of his bathroom plunger. This resulted in a perforated bowel and surgery to repair his intestine, which lead to sepsis, which lead to another surgery to remove a larger section, and long, gross story short, that man now has a colostomy bag. Which means he carries his poop in a satchel wherever he goes. Ass play does have its downsides.

The story makes me clench, but Assphyxia assures me that if you know what you're doing and you're not a totally irresponsible twit, you can pretty much turn your ass into a circus sideshow and it'll never let you down. Your ass always has your back, so to speak.

Most don't like giant toys or any kind of angry penetration, but she did share that one client is a fan of having overripe bananas forced into his hind storage unit to the point of bursting. Which is to say that she starts loading bananas in, and he tries his best to hold what he can until physics demand something gives and the bananas no longer fit. At this point, the bananas are expunged, and their time together is over.

Another pays extra for fisting, a service she will not offer most clients for safety reasons (she doesn't like to do anything that will draw blood). But this guy came with a worn-out glove already installed, so she felt the risk was minimized, and with proper safety equipment in place (including dishwashing gloves), she's willing to give him the ol' heave-ho, and he really seems to enjoy it.

Assphyxia feels that for nearly all of her clients, the act of taking on such a vulnerable role in an exchange of power is the biggest attraction, even if most men don't vocalize it that way. To listen to her tell it, most men don't want to admit what they want, even to themselves, so they just convince themselves that it's just kinky sex or something dirty their wife won't do. And sure, that's partially true, but it's just the surface. It's like trying to critique The Godfather by acknowledging it as mostly a movie about a chubby mobster with a speech impediment.

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Coincidentally, horses play a huge role in that movie.

I asked my new friend why, even in private, some people don't admit what it is about certain kinds of sex they like. She speculates that it's just the way most of these men are raised, and the world they think they live in. These guys are often married businessmen; older men. They grew up in a time when football and war was manly, your ass was for farting, and queers wore dresses and lived in San Francisco. She said the same thing can be seen in women, too. It's just expressed differently, with a lot of women fearful of expressing desire for something new or different, lest their partner think they're a secret s**t and not the good girl they were raised to be. I made three awesome jokes in a row right after this about dirty girls, none of which made her laugh at all. Then she told me that we're obviously not talking about the same thing, and if I'm going to be obtuse, I can just shut up. What a charmer.

As for why people like ass in general, I'm called silly for even asking the question. I defend myself as a journalist who needs to ask such things, and she says that she read my articles after I called her, and I'm no journalist. Damn. Throwing shade, lady. I'm paying for this?

In case it's not obvious, and in case maybe you're not an ass fan and wonder why some people are, you can look at it this way: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla? A Whopper or a Big Mac? Blondes or brunettes? We're all attracted to different things; we all find different things pleasurable. Some people just really enjoy ass. And why not? It's there, and half the time it's not doing anything to earn its keep. May as well use it for something other than sitting on and getting rid of microwave burritos.

Assphyxia offered to put pretty much everything on her coffee table up my ass for only another $200 if I wanted to keep our little tete a tete going. Unfortunately, with what I paid her already, that would have meant a net loss on this article. And I can't justify losing money just to share with strangers that a woman who had been coolly hostile at best toward me for an hour put a rubber fist with spikes on it (which has been inside at least two other people) up my ass. If I have shame, that probably would have found it.

Instead, Assphyxia offered me some discount tips for those in the world who are curious about the subject: Go slow, use as much lubrication as you can, and maybe try Google. There are a million and one resources out there. It's 2016; there's no reason to pretend it's still the television version of the 1950s. Get out there and jam stuff in your ass. You deserve it. You didn't think I paid someone to ass-blast me for comedy, did you?

Learn why blowing smoke up someone's butt (literally) was done all the time in 7 Real (And Totally Insane) Medical Practices From History. And see why teaching abroad will ruin your bowels in Kids Want to Finger Your Butt: Adventures In Teaching Abroad.

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