But, in our minds, a shark can be anywhere from three-feet-long to Godzilla-size. My paranoia set in as soon as I lost sight of my feet in the water. I was about waist deep, and I absolutely knew, in my soul, that a shark was going to bite me on my crotch and legs. It was only a matter of time before I looked down and realized that I was the ocean's retribution for man's careless consumption of seafood.
If there was a shadow in the water, it was a shark. If I stepped on something, it was a shark. If I felt like there was something near me, it was a shark. If my girlfriend approached, she was a shark in a lady costume.
"Honey, I'm not going to lie: This isn't your best picture."
Rather than swim anywhere, I would jerkily wade there, because I had come to the conclusion that a shark would be less likely to attack me if I made clumsy attempts at walking, rather than clumsy attempts at floating. I can't find any data that backs up my theory, so I know that it was just my brain rationalizing stupidity as a way to combat being scared. I doubt that any shark in the world would see me trudging through 36 inches of water and think, "Gah! He's walking. Daniel, that genius, has outsmarted our species again."
People Need To Realize That Most Animals Aren't Out To Get Them
In North Carolina, and in many other places, some people have a problem with pit bulls, because shitheads have seen how naturally strong pit bulls are and have trained them to be mean.
Pull yourself together. Stop treating dogs like they're in the wrong when they lash out at you for annoying them all day. Most dogs are going to be mean if you're a jerk to them. But awful people have turned pit bulls into animals that we constantly have to have a debate about. Are they nice? Are they not nice? Regardless of "aggressive breed" accusations, being generally kind and respectful to animals tends to yield positive results.
We've done a similar thing with sharks, where a lot of people really don't respect the fact that they live in the water. People go fishing on piers and throw chum, and we get up in arms when it becomes more dangerous to swim near those piers. "How dare I not be able to swim around freely in a place that is literally serving sharks their food? What kind of apocalypse are we experiencing where sharks are doing what they've been doing for millions of years?" We're probably never going to train a shark to be a house pet, but if we do, oooh, buddy. The world will be mine.
"Don't worry. He doesn't bite. He swallows whole. ATTACK!"
But treating sharks like harbingers of doom does not help. Treating them like predators that we're going to have to work around is our only option, really.
Man has a tendency to want to conquer things, and when we can't conquer them, our immediate response is "What the fuck is this dog's problem? Blacklist this dumb puppy's whole breed." Water temperature fluctuation and migration patterns have had to do with more sharks appearing, and until we get a peace treaty from them that reads "Sorry. No more bites. Jaws 3 was terrible, tho. -Sharks," we're going to have to be on our best behavior and give them some leeway as creatures that might chomp on us.
Co-existing doesn't always mean learning enough about something to be totally safe from it. Sometimes it just means not being an outrageous dick about stuff.
Daniel is a shark wearing an elaborate man costume. It was a trick this whole time. He has a blog.
You'd think with all the Shark Week the population watches we'd be more informed about handling a shark sighting. Maybe that's why Adam Tod Brown calls for an end to Shark Week in 6 Reasons Shark Week Should Be Stopped. And if you think sharks are bad, wait until you read 6 Animals That Kill Nature's Scariest Creatures For Fun.
Subscribe to our YouTube channel to see Soren Bowie in full Jedi garb tell you about a horrifying ocean dweller in Cracked Fact: The Most Terrifying Sea Creature, as well as watch other videos you won't see on the site!
Also follow us on Facebook and we can laugh at the spambots together.
It's Labor Day weekend which everyone knows is the best time to buy as many T shirts as possible. We can help with that AND save you money while you're doing it! Head over to the Cracked Dispensary and use the promo code LAZYLABORDAY to start looking rico suave today.