3

The Horny Werewolves In Blood and Chocolate

Blood And Chocolate is a pretty typical pre-Twilight Twilight for werewolves. This time, the one being Twilighted is a boy. Being Twilighted is when a terrible monster tricks you into falling in love with it, right? Rush Limbaugh managed to Twilight four women. I'm using that term correctly, yes?

Anyway, the main character is a female werewolf named Vivian who falls in love with a human boy. Standard stuff for YA novels, which uses the story map of "Take a monster and make a teenager want to fuck it." Blood and Chocolate follows this pattern for most of its story, with a push-pull between Vivian's werewolf life and her human boyfriend. But then it just goes completely bonkers in the final chapters. Vivian ends up stuck between her wolf and human forms, until a guy who her mom has been trying to date makes her so horny that she has to turn into a werewolf. I feel like I've sexually harassed Microsoft Word by writing that sentence.

Here, let me allow author Annette Crutis Klause to harass it instead: She writhed against him. She wanted to bite him, she wanted to rip the flesh from his back, but most of all, she didn't want him to stop. Her back arched, her body shattered, she howled. If reading three sentences seems like an insurmountable task, the above passage basically said "That werewolf was, like, suuuuuuper horny."

2

Falling In Love With Shapeshifting Horse Ghosts In The Awakening Of Sunshine Girl

Based on a popular YouTube series, these books follow Sunshine, a luiseach -- a person who can see surprisingly unsexy ghosts and help them move on to the afterlife. Awakening is the second book in the series, and the main plot focuses on Sunshine's long-lost father teaching her how to use her ghost powers. The romantic subplot focuses on Sunshine's crush on her friend Nolan, who is a human and not, as most teen novels would opt for, the ghost of a shapeshifting horse.

Of course, things can't be easy for Sunshine and her beau. They have to deal with a weird thing that's been going on since Book One, whereby whenever Sunshine touches him, she feels physically ill. This is apparently a real boner-killer for her. In Awakening, it's revealed that this is because her dad used his ghost magic to "limit her ability to touch anyone romantically." Just curious, was there a Sunshine Girl's Dad Curses Her Vagina subplot in the YouTube series, or this a novel exclusive? Also, it turns out that Sunshine's dad did some spooky in utero experiments on her, and that might have made her either the cause of an apocalypse or the only thing that can stop it. Pretty big coin toss there, DAD.

So Sunshine needs to be able to sacrifice her life if necessary to prevent the end of the world, and her dad thought she would never be willing to do that if she had an option to hang out with a boyfriend instead. The book is super vague on how magic works in its universe, but I like to picture a ghost punching Sunshine in the stomach every time she thinks about sex.

1

A Teen Is Horny For Her Uncle's (Really Old) Boyfriend In Primavera

This book manages to accomplish the difficult task of being more screwed up than its source material, the myth of Persephone, which is a classic love story that starts with a kidnapping. The myth was adapted into whatever the hell this is by Francesca Lisa Block, who was a super prolific YA novelist in the '90s. Everything she writes is really poetic and usually includes a troubled romance, but the romance is not usually between a girl and her uncle's boyfriend.

The catalyst for Primavera's journey is that she's in love with her uncle's longtime partner, Paul, who also helped raise her. She ends up leaving her family because she's so obsessed with Paul, and traveling to the city where her parents grew up. Primavera is the sequel to Ecstasia, in which we followed her parents as they escaped the same city Primavera is traveling to. But, you know, "Screw you, Mom and Dad! I can visit whatever post-apocalyptic dictatorship I want! And I'M NOT joining the football team!"

When Primavera leaves her home, I kind of hoped we were going to leave the whole Paul subplot behind, but nope! We check back in with Paul at the homestead, and he reveals that he's also attracted to Primavera. Specifically, he says: "You grew and I was amazed at your beauty. It almost frightened me at times. I didn't want you to come too near. I have never felt for women like this, but when I saw you calling up the sunflowers, I felt my heart beat as it does for Rafe [his boyfriend]."

By the way, that paragraph also begins with "When you were a baby, I almost felt as if you were my own." Thank god we're only related by my decades-long relationship with your relative, teenage girl. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. Waiter, could you take this plotline away. There is far too much Ugh, Please, Anything But Fucking This in my soup. Primavera has an adventure and ends up returning home with a boyfriend who is suitably not her uncle's partner, thank god. But the catalyst for this whole journey is just so strange, it's always stuck with me. It's like if Harry Potter went to Hogwarts because he had to get away from his raging boner for Aunt Petunia.

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Try not to fall into passionate, sexual love with this ghost horse.

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