And yes, this is the opposite of evolution, species preservation, and everything else normal animals live for. But, really, it's the chick's fault for daring to own incorrect genes. And if you ever learn Penguinese, mama will tell you the same damn thing.
Sexually Frustrated Sea Otters Become Murderous, Necrophiliac Rapists
They're furry. They're cuddly. They hold hands and smile for the camera. Their cheeks are oh-so-pinchable. Otters are basically stuffed animals given life by the Blue Fairy, and if it weren't for their tendency to rape their mates to death and fuck the corpses, they'd probably be the perfect animal. The kind you'd toss into a time capsule so the starving mutants of 9445 can see what they could've had if only their jackoff ancestors hadn't invented nuclear bombs 7,500 years prior.
Sure, #notallotters rape, murder, and then rape the murdered. But enough of them do to call their squeaky-clean squeeputation into question. See, otters practice polygyny, where males mount as many lovely ladies as they like but females get knocked up by one dude and that's it. This leaves many otters hanging with their dicks in their paws, as stronger males monopolize the playing field.
They take "there's plenty of fish in the sea" as a challenge.
So when they do find a female, these frustrated males turn the aggression up to 111. They'll pounce on the she-otter, grab her chest, and bite her face and nose to signal that it's porkin' time. Since she's almost certainly spoken for, the female otter will likely resist -- not that it'll matter, since retreat is rarely an option when claws pierce your chest and giant buck teeth gnaw your neck hat with reckless abandon.
That's the best-case scenario, by the way. The worst would be drowning and necrophilia. Dudebro gets so into holding down his increasingly uninterested partner that he forgets air is necessary, forcing her head underwater until she quits living. But death or no death, he still has to stick his dick in something, so he just pumps away at the world's latest corpse until sweet release.
Fabrizio Troiani/iStock/Getty Images
You're the only one smiling, asshole.
And if there aren't any lady otters around, the guy will just find something else to screw. Like seal pups. Hey, they're cute and have flippers, close enough. One such incident was documented by a presumably piss-drunk researcher as lasting 105 minutes, 90 of which involved the seal dead and repeatedly violated anyway. In other cases (likely with both seal and otter cadavers), the male will hold onto his smelly, rapidly rotting precious for up to a week, because sometimes it takes a while to really form a connection with someone.
Meeting the parents is always awkward.
See all the fun you're missing, readers of 9445? God, living in the future must suck.
Jason can be found on Facebook and Twitter, but not the petting zoo. Those baby goats are not to be trusted.
For more from Jason, check out 5 Insane Children's Books That Will Ruin Your Child and The 6 Most Humiliating Public Failures by Celebrity Psychics .
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