Imagine for a moment how helpless and uncomfortable you'd feel knowing that there was a senior citizen husband and wife duo out there picturing in great detail the way you personally have sex. Now imagine contracting that elderly couple to not only think about it for days, but to commit it to paper so that you can read and re-read their best guess at the lumbering, arrhythmic body slaps you call love.
At yournovel.com, a husband-wife writing team is offering just that. You can pay to have them write an erotic novel about you and your partner nailing each other. Though, if you can afford to pay for the book, you can probably afford a video camera and cut out the creepy old middleman altogether. Of course, some people prefer the narrative apparently, because the website boasts that it can cover ever fantasy imaginable, from historical fiction and vampires to ... golf. In fact, golf must be their top seller because it's featured heavily on their homepage, including a sample book cover of a story called Sandhills Fore-Play. Given the opportunity to fantasize about themselves having sex anywhere, from the surface of a hurtling asteroid to the nest of a pterodactyl, most people apparently choose a pro-shop.
Is this why seniors love golf so much? It's like a sex thing for them?
But the real reason I suspect this is a break-up aid instead of a romantic gift is that anyone who has read an erotic novel knows that they're pretty boring when only two characters keep doing each other the whole time. Erotic fiction is only fun if the possibility of sex happening in any direction, with anyone, is constant. So unless Kathy M. Newbern and J.S. Fletcher are taking full artistic license writing about you humping everything from groundskeepers to the Canada geese on the course (which I assume they're not), these novels have to be the most depressing erotic stories ever printed. Surely seeing that even professional writers couldn't save your relationship is enough of an indication that it's time call it quits.
But man, if they are writing erotic novels about real couples and filling the pages with inter-species infidelity, I take back everything I said, because that old couple is awesome and I want a copy of my own book to see all the creatures I sex into submission.
Just as women will sometimes buy underwear for themselves as a sexy gift for their guy, so too can men buy a pill that will make them cum gallons just for their lady. The hilariously named Maxejaxxx is a product specifically designed to increase the volume of semen a man produces for no other reason than aesthetic. The fact that this product sells at all suggests that there's some terrible rumor circulating throughout society that a lady's favorite part of sex is fighting and wincing through the horrifying aftermath.
Yeah, kind of like that.
It's actually hard to think of a product that could focus on a more undesirable aspect of sex. Maybe a tonic that grows pubic hair longer and fuller? An ointment that allows one testicle to droop lower?
Without any logical answers, I'm left to assume that this is actually intended as some sort of cruel surprise for a woman. Maxejaxxx is not supposed to be a sexy product at all, despite how it may be marketed. It is a last-ditch effort for cowards in dying relationships who don't want to be the one to hit the eject button first. It's a passive aggressive way to force all the anger and deep-seated issues to literally blow up in both your faces so that you finally have to address them. I refuse to believe anyone outside of the porn industry has ever used this product and not had an hour-long conversation/argument immediately afterward because Maxejaxxx isn't just a semen volumizer, it's a catharsis in a bottle.
Soren is a senior writer at Cracked. You can follow him on Twitter or Tumblr.