How To Tell The World That You're Together Again
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After reuniting with a loved one you betrayed, you'll face a lot of questions from friends, family, and law enforcement. Some, like "Why do you look so much happier these days?" will be a joy to answer. Others, like "Are you sure you shouldn't just move on?" and "You know no one's seen the mailman since you ran into him at the bar and invited him back to your place for a drink, right?" will be more difficult to address. And I'm afraid there is no guide for this last step. We will write this guide ourselves upon the soil with the Earth's own blood.
It will be widely read, but never spoken of. Always followed, but never understood.
Some parts will be easier than others. The mailman's meager possessions can be burned, and the ashes scattered to the portentous wind. Friends can be convinced that you're happier now than ever before. Alibis can throw off the police until they're too busy being baffled by the headless corpses oozing black tar to worry about the fate of one civil servant. Concerned family can be shunned and forgotten, because the Black Goat and its Thousand Young are the only true family. Brunch will be more enjoyable now that you have a partner.
At the same time, there will be challenges. You'll be so busy preparing mankind for the coming of the All-Mother that you'll be lucky if you have the time and energy to make the flesh bond once a week. You'll start to be tempted by the perks of being unattached that caused you to betray your beloved in the first place -- less viscera to clean up around your place, free time to hit the bar with your buddies and catch the game, and the fact that you weren't sung to sleep every night by a thousand gaping maws that screamed liked children despite their unfathomable age.
Night will lose its meaning as all becomes dark, and you'll miss watching
the sunrise and having a cup of coffee while you check your email.
But no one ever said relationships were easy, and just because you've won your beloved back it doesn't mean you can't lose them again. Maybe you disappoint her or one of her countless Dark Young. Maybe you fall in the coming war with Ghatanothoa as the Earth itself is ground to dust. Or maybe the passion simply fades with time. These are the risks we take when we open our hearts and allow them be consumed by another. But what you've learned here today isn't just about rekindling a relationship; it's also about the far more difficult act of maintaining one. If you remember the joy of the special night you shared together, you'll always be on the lookout for ways to keep things fresh. And in the end, that level of devotion is all you need to keep your beloved close to your heart and the black tides of infinity from erasing everything you've ever known from the very concept of existence. It never hurts to surprise her with fresh flowers, either!
You can read more from Mark at his website.
For advice from people who have the romantic instincts of a date-raping praying mantis, check out The 50 Creepiest Pieces Of Romance Advice Ever Published, and then for romantic advice from actual date-raping praying mantises, read 10 Baffling Romance Tips From The Sociopaths At Fox News.
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