It's clear to me that I can't handle the day-to-day of maintaining a relationship. My long list of ex-girlfriends with broken hearts and broken front doors can attest to that. But finally, I think I've isolated the problem: I'm just too devoted to my work. Much like how Einstein was purported to frequently leave the house with his dick hanging out of his pantaloons (his head too lost in higher mathematics to be bogged down with something as pedestrian as wang wranglin'), I, too, am simply so immersed in my chosen profession of whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing for a living that I cannot manage a normal relationship. (I think I might be some sort of snake handler. I don't know. I keep waking up full of venom and with a bunch of snake skins all around me -- snake handler is the least disturbing explanation I can come up with.)
So enters the Brainput Multitasking Assistant: It's still in prototype stages right now, but when finished, this computer program will monitor your vital signs and stress levels, then automatically take some of your more mundane tasks off of you to lighten your mental load.
Doud et al, 2011 via University of Minnesota
Ostensibly, it's meant to take over basic stuff like email replies and schedule updating, leaving you to focus on the more creative thinking. But I've found that, with some simple hacking, it can be reprioritized to pretend to listen to loved ones while you get drunk to old Knight Rider reruns. But be warned: It doesn't really factor in your personality very well. Twice now it's agreed to go on "long walks" with potential mates, no matter how emphatically I hammer-type my anti-effort manifesto into its response field.