5

Manage Your Garbage

Okay, the very first thing a guest is going to notice about your apartment is the ornate 17th-century chandelier that reflects the light of its 100 lit candles, which you have meticulously maintained for their visit. Oh, you don't have one of those? Then I guess the first thing they'll notice is if your apartment smells. Don't be the guy with the stinky apartment. The fixes are simple.

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You could buy this for 8.2 million dollars or follow my 89 cent fix.

4

Use Sneaky Furniture to Conceal Clutter

Y'know what else makes your apartment looks like a frat house?

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Well yes, a keg, but that wasn't where I was going with this.

What I was going to say (before I repeatedly interrupted myself for limited comedic effect) was that nothing makes your grown man's apartment look more like a child's flophouse than just leaving crap everywhere. I get it -- life is busy and hectic, and you don't always have time or money to make sure everything has a place. But you should. Making things have places is important. If you don't pick a spot where things will live, then your apartment will actually never be clean. That hammer or pair of scissors or mail will just migrate from breakfast table to coffee table to a pile on the floor, and never find a home.

3

No Greasy Dishes

So I'm going to assume you don't have a dishwasher in you crappy apartment. Hey, me neither. There are no judgments here -- you're in a safe place. A safe clean place that doesn't smell like your shithole apartment. Anyway, there's a good chance that if your house guest hasn't been driven off by a foul odor or the sight of piles of crap everywhere, they will stay long enough to eat or drink something. This is another chance for you to look gross waiting to happen.

2

Avoid Clothes Piles and Make Laundry Easier

So we talked about the ottoman with the hiding spot for your junk, but what about your clothes? Clothes left everywhere is another way to tell your house guest you wish your mom still laid out your outfits in the morning. Is that the message you want to send? Is it? Is it, really?

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"Again with the questions. Seriously, you have a problem."

No, of course it's not. I'm not saying be a good boy and do your laundry weekly. Of course you're not going to do that. You read Cracked.com for advice on how to keep a nice apartment, so clearly you're not into doing laundry responsibly. But can I make one small request? At least get a laundry bag. No, not a pillow case you throw your clothes in, not a garbage bag, and not a pile of clothes on the floor. Hell, I don't even want you to get a real plastic hamper for your clothes. Why? Because while a real hamper will hide your clothes, you'll probably do laundry even less frequently if you have to take your clothes out of a hamper and put them into something else to transport them to the laundry.

1

No More Musty Towels

If you have a crappy apartment, then odds are decent you might not have a window in your bathroom. I'm not going where you think. I'm not talking about airing the place out after a bathroom visit. Instead, this entry is about about musty towels. Without a dryer to dry them daily, or at least a window to air them out, your bath towels will smell like a Petri dish after about two uses. It's not feasible for you to be running to the laundry every two days, or to buy three sets of towels just so you can have one week of not making your skin smell like a fungus bog after a shower that's supposed to be making you clean.

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What a brand new towel looks like after one shower in a windowless bathroom (If it were a slice of cheese. Shut up. That's hard to get a picture of).

So here's something you can do. Hang your towels after you use them, and not on a hook. Hanging them on a hook deprives the towel of surface area. All the wet parts are bunched up. So first, hang them on a hanger, and hang the hanger on the hook.

Then, and I know this sounds crazy, but have you considered just putting a fan in your bathroom on low? Like a 20 buck rotating fan. It works. Your stuff dries faster than it would before. It takes a week to get moldy. What it costs you in slight energy bills, it saves you in laundry fees. (And don't tell me its worse for the environment, when it means you're doing fewer washes and using less soap, water, and energy.

Also, if you have a mat in your bathroom, throw it out. Those things never ever get dry.

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