It's not only Obama's anti-Christmas brigade you have to worry about coming and taking your fancy new lights; it's petty thieves. There is just something about the holiday season that makes people want to steal shit.
Seriously, even a quick Google search turns up hundreds of local news stories of people who woke up to find their expensive and often time-consuming lawn displays had completely disappeared.
In most cases, the culprits were their totally sleep-deprived neighbors.
This year those same laser light displays that are searing the corneas of pilots are also lining the pockets of criminals. They aren't that expensive to buy, but they are hard to find, which means people are paying hundreds of dollars for them on eBay. Since the projector is so easy to just unplug and carry away, they are disappearing like crazy. One neighborhood had dozens stolen over one weekend. Another family only had theirs for three days before it was swiped.
A woman in Kentucky hadn't decorated in years since her displays were always stolen, but she gave it another chance this Christmas and purchased the laser lights. Then she woke up one morning and they were gone, so now the only outside decorations she plans on hanging up are surveillance cameras.
One family attempted to guilt-trip the thief into returning the lights, which their 4-year-old son had hoped to turn into a nightlight after Christmas, by posting this sign on their lawn:
The kid is staked in the ground 24/7 as well, to make you feel even worse.
It's so bad that you can actually find "How To Keep Your Christmas Decorations From Being Stolen" guides all over. It's harder to find tips on what to do if you're the one taking the stuff in the first place, but I want to fix that. So, your Cracked Christmas Criminal Tip 2015 is this: If you are going to steal a holiday display from your neighbor, don't then put it in your front yard, because they will notice, and you will be put in jail, like this dumbass.
Don't feel overwhelmed by the constant pressure to be jolly this holiday season. There is still plenty of stuff out there to complain about, no matter what time of year. Here's wishing you a Merry Bitch-fest, and Feel Free to Cry a Few Tears!
Kathy wrote a very funny book called FUNERALS TO DIE FOR, and it makes a great last-minute gift idea. Or follow her on Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter.
Another year, another B.S. controversy. See how the media made Disney out to be real Grinches in 5 More B.S. Viral Stories That All Your Friends Believed, and find out why you should be wary of T.G.I. Friday's this Christmas in The 6 Biggest Christmas F#@%-Ups Of 2014.
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