3

Soldiers Won't Stop Posting Sexy Photos

Can you be sexy in the military? I think that was the tagline for Top Gun, and even that documentary didn't give any conclusive answers. But if you were to ask the people in charge of soldiers, they would probably answer in the resounding negative.

The Utah National Guard disciplined four soldiers in 2014 who put together a bikini calendar. The soldiers took some of the photos at Camp Williams, and as you know, Camp Williams was founded on the belief that no boob should ever see the light of day. The British military even had to make a special request that troops stop sending pics of tallywhackers to folks back home, not only because it represents a security risk to have all your military genitals floating about, but also because the revenge porn potential was more than anyone wanted to deal with.

The Swiss Army had to crack down on soldiers posting sexy pics in uniform (note that they're not supposed to be taking any pictures in uniform), but at least they were in uniform. Several Israeli soldiers posted pics to Facebook showing themselves wearing nothing but skimpy panties, belts, and guns -- camouflage suitable for a European beach and almost nowhere else. The scourge of being sexy strikes again. It's a pain I know too well.

2

Porn Addiction Makes Soldiering Hard

Speaking of pain I know too well, the military has a porn problem. Unlike my porn problem, this one's a real sticky wicket, as it's a bit of a national security snafu. The worst kind of masturbation ends in a national security risk, I can tell you that.

In 2012, Pentagon officials had to send out a memo to employees asking them to please, if they wouldn't mind, stop downloading porn at work on super secure government computers. The last thing the country needs is to find itself accessing the missile launch computer, only to have it crash under a bunch of hentai pop-up windows. Fiery hell is raining down on all corners, and whoever's in charge of our defense is trapped by "Japanese housewife SLAMMED in all HOLES."

I would suggest that they find a more secure method of getting their porn -- say, by trading it on physical media -- but in Japan, a sailor copied porn onto a CD (remember those?) and accidentally included classified info on the Aegis missile system on the same disc.

But nothing is more harrowing than China's porn problem, if their state media is to be believed. They claim soldiers are watching so much porn and wanking so much that it's causing swollen ball bag veins. You know how if a guy masturbates too much, it makes his crotch veins swell up? No? You've never, ever heard of that? Well, take it up with the Chinese government.

1

Gamers Can't Concentrate On Combat, Apparently

The Pentagon, in an effort again to preserve national security, has had to issue Pokemon Go guidelines to employees because it was being played incessantly in the building. There was even a gym. Inside the Pentagon. The concern here is that the game tracks your movements, and if someone is tracking the game, you're potentially mapping the Pentagon for enemy Squirtles. The military in Israel had to do the same thing. As did Canada. And Britain.

China doesn't actually allow Pokemon Go in the country, so they've focused their ire on Honor Of Kings, a League Of Legends-esque game you can play on your phone. It's so popular in China (with 55 million players every day) that it's saturated through their military ranks. The government is not happy about that, since in their opinion, it's a national security threat that also saps the fighting power of their troops. I don't know how true that is, since the dick vein panic above hurts their credibility a bit, but it seems like what matters in both cases is that they believe it's true.

To be fair, the fear of gaming addiction is a worldwide issue. In South Korea, where military service is mandatory, gaming addiction just might get you exempted. The U.S. military has even studied the psychological effects of video game use on soldiers' mental health. The study has shown evidence of sleep deprivation, with one participant working 50 hours a week and gaming up to 30 hours a week on top of that. This leads to a condition that scientists refer to as "Tired as fuck, dude."

Then again, gamers apparently make better drone pilots, so maybe it all evens out in the end.

The military might not be allowed to have Fitbits, but you can!

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