Ian Fortey
·
Not to sound too crazy here, but I assume that most people don't want to get hit in the junk. However, despite what YouTube fail videos teach us, there are worse things that can happen to our misfit toys than an errant football or vengeful knee. Your junk can become a war zone of disgusting chaos in ways that you never thought possible. For example ...
You may be surprised to learn that a vagina can be a lot like your dryer -- you put two socks in, one sock comes out. In a sane universe, such a thing wouldn't be possible, just as it wouldn't be possible for a woman to misplace a sex toy in her vagina for ten years. This 38-year-old from Scotland apparently had a five-inch pudding poker lodged in her underbog for a whole decade, and was suffering from severe weight loss, shaking, lethargy, and basically every other affliction that you can get when there is a dildo inside of you celebrating a two-digit birthday.
But ten years is nowhere near the record. The world champion of lost and found genital party favors is a lady who had two plastic balls in her fun zone for 35 years, for reasons of contraception. You remember that lesson from health class about how jamming a plastic ball in yourself prevents pregnancy? No? Well, maybe that was a thing 35 years ago. It was a simpler, crammier time, 1983. Flashdance and Staying Alive were at the top of the box office. People were doing all kinds of crazy shit.
In this case, the lady was 82 years old and had seven children. A quick exam after she came in complaining of pain and a funky discharge revealed that yep, right after that seventh child 35 years ago, she apparently jammed some plastic balls up there to stop any more babies from popping out, and then she later forgot about it. You know how it goes. And after 35 years in the Cavern of Lost Things, no ball can maintain its form and function, so they got pretty foul.
Lest you think Mrs. Superball was alone in her curious affectation, there are bottle caps that have been missing for years and pessaries (used to treat uterine prolapses) that have been left in for over 30 years. To put that in perspective, those pessaries still think we listen to music on audiotapes.
What is a "saxophone penis"? Is it the code name for that dude from the The Lost Boys? Is it what happens when your get a wooden reed stuck in your pee hole? Is it like truck nuts, but with a bluesy twist? You could play this game all day. Unless you literally have saxophone penis, which probably means that you are pretty mad about that Lost Boys malarkey right now.
There are a number of ways you can become afflicted by saxophone penis, but in general, it happens when there's a pretty dramatic bend along the ol' dingus axis, causing the schlong to swoop down and then up, like our friend Antoine-Joseph Sax's famous phone. It can be a symptom of an STI, physical trauma, or even a complication from Crohn's disease. In every case, it ends up with the victim having an orchestra-themed dick that's looped like an X-rated carnival ride.
We fully realize that your curiosity is urging you to see a photo of this, but I'm not going to include one, both because the advertisers will probably object and also because I don't want to have to look at it every time I edit this piece. If you MUST see a saxophone penis before you can move on with your life, there are numerous scientific journal articles on the subject, often including extreme close-ups of something that will ruin your whole week.
Remember the Flintstones opening?
Listen to that part when the foreman yanks on the bird's tail and it goes off like an old steam whistle. And then imagine that instead of a cartoon bird, it's your whiz nozzle. Because that shit can literally happen to you. Probably not with a cartoon foreman, but the noise part. The affliction won't discriminate based on gender -- if you have a squirt-blurter, you run the risk of hitting those high notes. And it's not just a curious whooshing sound, like when you wake up in the morning after drinking 12 bedtime beers and your piss blasts out with enough force to etch porcelain -- it's a very distinctive sound best described as "hilarious."
If you have a fistula between your urinary tract and your intestine, or a certain bacterial infection, you run the risk of developing a gas buildup. A condition called pneumaturia can then lead to a piss stream that whistles or hisses, meaning you're fully capable of being a sound effects person for a cartoon that features either construction workers or angry possums. For a fun twist, when whistling isn't getting anyone's attention, this issue can manifest itself as dick farts. Which isn't a cool euphemism or anything. Dick farts. The dick will fart. That's it.
Some people like to slap-box their mirth muffins in the tub, using shower heads or water jets, and I'm totally fine with that. I hope that there is an abundance of murky, pressure-blasted trouser swamps out there bringing joy all around the globe. I just need you to be cautious, though, because if you aren't careful, your own internal plumbing can work quite a bit like filling a balloon with a pressure hose. It can and will explode.
How does moisturbation backfire on you? Turns out forcing water at high pressure in through the "out" door can lead to a case of bladder perforation, which is what happens when high-pressure water is forced up the fun fjord and into your bladder, which can only stretch about six inches before shit starts going wrong.
The key to properly using fluid dynamics to work your crank seems to be stream placement. You want that water flowing on, not in. Because even if you miss the hole for bladder perforation, you're also running the risk of an embolism by shooting anything up there at a high velocity. If you create a pocket of air and let that thing loose, you can seriously kill yourself, which would be super embarrassing. "No one wants to die while masturbating." That's a quote from Leviticus, I think.
I'm not here to accuse anyone of anything, but I will pose a rhetorical question: Ever notice a weird-ass smell coming from your downstairs sauce rack? It's a thing that happens, so don't feel too bad about it. Nine days out of ten, my end zone is steeped in a musk that's a mix of Irish Spring and panic sweat. So I'm no one to judge when I point out that anyone suffering from bacterial vaginosis has a tendency to smell like vinegar. And on this list, that's about the best-case scenario.
Just ask the poor bastards who find themselves with a burnt rubber/charcoal barbecue smell coming out of the ol' piss whistle. And it's not just one or two people in the world who maybe got drunk and ate a tire fire, or were suddenly faced with a biblical reckoning of the crotch. There are thousands of queries about this. More troubling are the answers, because not a lot of professional medical resources address it. So you're getting people on Yahoo telling you it's because the piss is hot and you need to drink more water. If you ever get so dehydrated that your piss smells like a Burger King dumpster, you need more than water; you need a groin exorcism.
Just as curious but at least more festive is the abundance of requests for answers as to why a vagina suddenly smells like hot, buttery popcorn. If you've ever experienced that, please hit me up on Twitter and just tell me the whole story, because aside from literal hot buttered popcorn, there's one other thing I have heard of in all the world that mysteriously bears that same smell, and that's a bearcat. They smell like buttered popcorn, because sometimes Nature just rolls the dice on shit like this. And that in turn means that all of the women who went to Google to ask why their vaginas smelled like buttered popcorn may have inadvertently also been asking why their vaginas smell like bearcats.
We live in a beautiful world.
Know something good for your crotch? SAXX Underwear, that's what.
Support Cracked's journalism with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.
For more, check out 7 Creepy Physical Changes Your Mind Can Make In Your Body and 6 Creepy Things That Happen To The Human Body (When You Die).
9 out of 10 dentists think you should follow us on Facebook.
