4

Revenge

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I've never tried this one myself, because it's not in my character, but dammit if I don't see it a lot on TV, movies, and even in songs. Someone cheats on you or leaves you, and for some reason the response is to maybe destroy them as a person in a way that is on par with serial killer for its sinister leanings and insanely disturbing acts. After all, we're all aware that men have had their penises cut off for cheating, and god knows how many women have endured full on MMA-style brutality at the hands of jealous husbands and boyfriends.

So let me take the bold stance of suggesting violence, whether against your ex or their belongings, is a shitty way to deal with heartache, one you should avoid. Of course you want to lash out when you're hurt, but also, don't be a literal maniac. Insanity doesn't look good on anyone, and if you think it's funny to light someone's wardrobe on fire just because they had sex with someone else, you're basically telling anyone you may one day get into a relationship with that you're as unstable as a Jenga game on an epileptic's back, and you're not worth dealing with because you're as good with anger as a starving tiger is with babies.

When you get angry, you'd do well in life to learn ways to deal with it that aren't felonious and/or don't let others know they should walk behind you without making noise lest they get your attention, make eye contact, and have to run screaming for help into the night. Maybe you could have a drink, eat a whole pizza, and watch bad movies. Maybe that's better than shoving a curling iron in someone's ass. Ever try that?

3

Self-Destruction

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Those of us less inclined to destroy others may instead look to destroy ourselves. It's easy and seems fun at first, which is why it's so popular, just ask Captain Morgan or Gary Smirnoff.

When faced with some form of rejection or loss, it's pretty easy to decide that you somehow did this to yourself and that the best thing you could do now, knowing you're a big ol' sack of losing loserishness who loses like a losing loser at a losing competition is to maybe get all shitty. So you drink. You do drugs. You have sex with CHUDs and use Skittles wrappers as protection. You get tribal tattoos. It's not pretty.

This method is nefarious, because you tend to be aware it's a bad idea, but you think it's still necessary because you're bad in some way, you deserve it, or you want to drown out the shitty feelings, and the best way to scour such things from your memory is with a thin paste made from meth and Everclear.

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The reason self-destruction is such a shitty plan of action should be clear -- you're already broken in some way, so how is a further breakdown going to help things? That's like treating dysentery by hitting up an all-you-can-eat Mexican buffet served out of the back of a van by a guy who keeps scratching his own ass crack.

On some level, we all know punishing ourselves isn't going to make anything better, even if the reason we're now single is entirely our fault. Even if you did some shitbird thing, like cheat on your partner, what good can come out of you switching from being an asshole to them to being an asshole to yourself? You're just perpetuating your assholery, which is clearly your problem to begin with. That needs to be done away with in a more constructive, less brain-cell melting way.

2

Obsession

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I know a vile pig of a human who barely earns that title who falls into this category, among others. The reason I mention him now is I have it on fairly good authority that, when one of his relationships ends, he takes it upon himself to simply follow his ex. Day after day. He'll park nearby and watch her house. He takes photos of her coming and going. He makes fake accounts on Facebook to try to keep track of who she's talking to. It's a whole big stalker jamboree of douchebaggery and sickness, and it's six kinds of fucked.

Obsessing over an ex is creepy and weird, and it's a great way to confirm to everyone that your ex made a good choice by ditching you. It's not normal.

Now, assuming you're more rational than this twat that I know, there's a less sinister but no less desperate form of obsession that oodles of people engage in and, in some circles, is even romanticized. If you've ever been moved to stand outside a woman's house with your boombox playing Peter Gabriel, you know what I mean. If that's part of your seduction technique, you need to upgrade your game, because that shit is played out. But if it's part of your win-her-back routine, it's even worse. You don't win people, for one; we need to move past the idea that we live in a world in which someone else is a prize. That may be the product of hundreds of years of fiction assuring us all that women are available to be taken from dragons, evil knights, and sleeping spells, and all we need to do is show up and jam a penis at them.

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1

Substitution

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This idea is so ingrained in our society it's probably been the basis for at least one scene in nearly every romantic comedy made since the 1980s. You break up with someone, your friends rally and collectively decide that the cure for what ails you is a little taste of strange. Yes, poontang (or wild dong) fixes everything. At least 20 to 30 minutes into a screenplay, anyway.

On the one hand, this seems like an OK idea. You just ended a relationship, maybe one that was years long, you're probably hurt and feeling alone regardless of whether or not you broke it off or they did, and, what do you know, outside your house there's like a million wieners and vaginas with bodies dragging behind them all over the place. You should go fiddle with one, take your mind off your troubles.

The problem with this solution is that you're not really fixing much. Well, maybe one thing, for five minutes, but then what? Incidentally, that five minutes is ballpark, ladies. You need six, even seven, I can probably do that.