But I'm not Roger Motherfucking Ebert.
In just under 600 words, Ebert absolutely destroys this movie, and it's so much fun to watch. North is a mediocre family movie, but in Ebert's eyes it's like eight holocausts. He calls the role of the main character a punishment to poor Elijah Wood and calls any of the other actors forced to be in this film victims, as if Dan Aykroyd, Alan Arkin, Bruce Willis, Kathy Bates, and Jason Alexander had killed a whole family and being in North was their court-appointed sentence. It's amazing, because if you watch this movie, I guarantee that you'll walk away from it and the worst thing you'll think is "Eh, that wasn't really worth my time."
This is one of Ebert's strengths; he doesn't review films in a way that's too academic or inaccessible, and he writes film reviews like a guy who loves the shit out of movies and knows how to rage if they don't love him back. I will never feel as passionately about anything as Ebert does about how much he hates this movie about a kid traveling around the world looking for parents. I love how important movies are to Ebert. I love how seriously he takes his craft. I love that he sees bad movies as a personal attack. And I love the glee that he surely felt when he wrote this review.
(Please remember that Roger Ebert thought Transformers was a "fun movie" with "grace.")
Everyone should strive to be as spirited as Ebert. If I put half as much energy into learning as Ebert put into hating this freaking movie, I'd have mastered time travel and used it to go back and kick North in the nuts and make it apologize for spitting on Ebert's mother, which, based on this review, surely it must have done at some point.
[I won't insult Roger Ebert's legacy by pretending I included this entry to eulogize or pay tribute to the man. I wrote this entry before learning that Roger Ebert sadly passed away yesterday. Mr. Ebert has always been a vocal fan of the site and was gracious enough to give us a quote for our first book, and I think it's fair to pre-emptively call that the most exciting thing that will ever happen to me. Roger Ebert could seamlessly weave poetry, insight, and hilarity into a film review. I haven't yet lived in a world that didn't involve Mr. Ebert telling me how movies reflected the modern world, and knowing that I will soon worries me a little bit. Luckily, I have another week to process that, because Roger Ebert was still reviewing movies right until the end, like the True G we always knew him to be. He's already reviewed the movies coming out this weekend, and I can't wait to read them.]