Now's a time when we can toss in a caveat to save face. Don't get me wrong, I'm no minute man in the hump closet, but if you want me to do any physical activity for an hour straight, from sex to jogging to using a stair climber, I'm going to need to do a bump or two to get my head in the game. But if you want me to manage for a solid 15 minutes, then shift position, grab a Capri Sun, turn on the AC so I don't pass out, then resume? I can keep that shit up all day. I just need frequent pauses. Many, many pauses. And I bet a lot of other people are like that too, but no one says it. Isn't that alluring, in a way? It's still a solid work day of sexing -- we just have a panzarotti break worked into it. That's not unreasonable.
"You're the Best at _____"
I remember the first time I was with a woman and she took the time to proclaim mid-coitus that I was the best at the particular activity we were engaging in at the time. In the moment, I believe I thought something along the lines of "fuckin' right!" But in retrospect, I began to wonder how many people was I being compared to. Was I really the best? Was that a qualitative statement of fact, or just the dirty shit you say when your genitals are squirt-slamming someone else's? I've said all kinds of deranged shit in the middle of sex that I hope to God no one ever holds me to in the sober light of day. I could probably be referred to a specialist for the shit I've said during sex.
"Now say, 'Oh, Mr. Biden, what are we going to do with all these tomatoes?'"
It's nice to tell someone they're the best and all, and the word itself is kind of nebulous and subjective. I think the best ice cream for a sundae is vanilla, while some people like triple butt fudge spaetzle caramel peanut butter cup swirl with pistachios and pork bellies. Whatever. Saying it sets up a lot of pressure and a lot of doubt in a person, because really, you're making a comparison, and few things are more stressful than being compared to others. If I'm the best, what's the survey sample we're using? What if only one other person ever did this for her, and he was having a stroke at the time? What if 1000 guys did it?
And what if they all wanted to kick my ass for being way better at sexing than them?
Obviously, it's possible you actually were the best at what you were doing, but this shouldn't be relevant anyway. Isn't that just needless ego stroking amidst other things far more important than your ego being stroked? And worse -- say you're not really the best, and the next person you attempt to debauch is so put off by your fumbly, stumblebum efforts to please them they either burst out laughing or demand you stop to preserve what little dignity can be salvaged from the situation.
Few things are worse than a sexual encounter that has to end early because you're not nearly as skilled as you thought you were. I once had to cut off a singularly spectacular moment after trying to crotch-parkour a lady to Pleasuretown, only to bust my bed frame and sprain my ankle in the process. You want to be the guy who does that? Who lunges so ineptly at a muffin that you break your goddamn ankle and the bed, and have to get her to help you downstairs so you can go to the hospital because you're a moron? No, you don't.
For more from Felix, check out 4 Things Kids Never Learn (Because Parents Teach Them Badly) and 4 Unpleasant Things Nobody Tells You About Being in Love.
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