4

Sudden Sacrifices Are A Substitute For Heroism

What is more powerful than one human being sacrificing their own life to save others, usually to the accompaniment of an orchestra that sounds like it's about to parade through the screen? You could probably base a whole religion around it. In the world of Hollywood screenwriting, sacrifices can also be written in not to provide a satisfying end to a character's arc, but to add instant heroism to a character we barely know.

Kong: Skull Island (which I think is a great movie) includes a bunch of dispensable soldier characters who are tailor-made to be ape food. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm a fan of slasher films, so I have an appreciation for characters who only exist to say "Hey, guys, what was that noise?" But then, while under an assault from mutant reptiles, one of the soldiers, Captain Cole, pulls out two grenades and stares down one of the beasts. The rest of the cast does the typical "NO! DON'T DO THIS!" thing, like the audience is expected to. No, don't do it, guy with literally two personality traits.

3

Making A Character Suddenly Badass (In A Way That Makes No Sense)

There's nothing better than when a badass character gets a badass payoff. My boys in the Dragon Ball franchise are constantly training so that when the time comes, they can triumphantly punch holes through people. This is immensely satisfying because you, the viewer, get to anticipate seeing them use their skills. There is build-up. So it's baffling whenever "badass" characters either get that way out of nowhere, or are assigned badass traits that don't fit their progression at all, like if The Karate Kid ended with Daniel challenging Johnny to a snowmobile race.

Take Arya Stark in Game Of Thrones. A big point is made that she's not built for swordplay. Her cranky travel companion Sandor Clegane points out that her tiny frame and flimsy sword is useless in a gritty fantasy universe full of giant men in armor. Thus, she learns how to work with poisons and magic disguises, leading us to believe that she'll be pulling off some rad espionage tactics to fool bad guys who could crush her skull like an egg. Instead, within a couple of seasons, Arya becomes Jason Bourne Lite, shrugging off stabbings and doing sweet parkour. Later, she faces off in a practice duel with giant sword master Brienne and outmaneuvers her easily, smirking the whole time.

2

Gritty "Realism" Is Conveyed Through Ceaseless Cursing

People curse in real life. They do it in the car, they do it in the bedroom, they do it when they're in line at Gamestop and GODDAMN, RICHARD, THE TRADE-IN VALUES ARE NOT GONNA BE THAT GOOD NO MATTER HOW MANY "PRO" POINTS YOU HAVE, SO GET THE f**k ON WITH IT, SHITLIZARD. But since lots of movies are shooting for PG-13 and network TV shows usually try to be family friendly, they have to keep it clean. When creators find themselves without those restrictions, they tend to go hog-wild.

1

Geeky Characters Are Defined Only By Their Ability To Spout Pop Culture References

A lot of people in the world are geeks. Not me. I only talk about Digimon when I'm drunk. But a lot of people are. And you'd think that since "geeky" interests are so commonplace, we'd get more great geeky characters in pop culture. Characters that we see aspects of ourselves in. Sadly, what we do get are shows like Big Bang Theory, or characters like Steve Urkel from Family Matters, Ross Gellar from Friends, Morgan from Chuck, Noah from the Scream TV show, and about 75 percent of the denizens of Kevin Smith movies. These are characters who don't make geekiness look fun. Instead, they drag it around like a cross, burdened by their own existence.

I would probably relate to more "geeky" film characters if the writers knew how to identify them as geeks without having them bleat like farm animals about Star Wars or Dungeons & Dragons. Either that or they're like Spencer from Criminal Minds, who refuses to shut up about how his special, powerful, super computer brain works differently from the average brain. He's supposed to be likable, but I've never met a single likable person who went into detail about how much smarter he or she is than most of the population.

It's like they're so afraid that we won't get it unless they crank it up to cartoonish levels. The "funny" control room employee in Jurassic World wears a Jurassic Park shirt with the original movie's logo on it. That's great! It builds his character and it adds to the theme of the movie that you probably shouldn't recklessly commodify prehistoric beasts. But he then explains why he wears that shirt and how much it costs and how much he loved the first Jurassic Park, and any chance we had of identifying with him goes out the window. If I buy a Spider-Man shirt, I don't go around the mall asking people about their favorite Doctor Octopus moments; I just wear the shirt.

It's so strange because you'd assume that most writers are themselves geeks, the ones who have to borrow clothes to attend a red carpet premiere and then are kept far away from the cameras. You have to imagine them toiling away on their sitcom pilot thinking, "Hmmm ... what would a geek say in this situation? It's so hard for a cool, sexy beast like me to put myself in their mindset. I know, I'll have them suddenly speak Klingon."

Daniel has a Twitter, which he uses as a platform to yell about Pokemon.

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