Roddy Piper, Classy Freddie Blassie, and the Iron Sheik pull up in a limousine for the explicit purpose of refusing to patronize the Lauper family business.

Portrait/Warner Bros./Amblin Entertainment

Meanwhile, Nikolai Volkoff drives by in a pickup truck, milking a ceramic cow. We are now two minutes into this music video and we have yet to hear a single note of music.

Portrait/Warner Bros./Amblin Entertainment
The subaudible shrieks of madness melting out of the screen cannot be considered "music" in the traditional sense.

Cyndi lifts up a portrait of Captain Lou's rubber-band-faced pirate uncle to uncover a hidden cave that was apparently just waiting behind the wall of their service shop. She crawls inside and spends the next several seconds screaming at an animatronic skeleton like Sam Kinison having a violent stroke on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride.

Portrait/Warner Bros./Amblin Entertainment

The Goonies themselves do not actually appear until the four-and-a-half minute mark, at which point they teleport in on a wave of 1960s sitcom special effects, wearing t-shirts emblazoned with a string of letters that spell out "The Goonies" if they stand in the correct order, which of course they fail to do initially, because this is a comedy.

Portrait/Warner Bros./Amblin Entertainment
Chunk has two letters on his shirt, because Chunk is fat.

It's like a tiny window into the future of Hollywood; Josh Brolin is a Lennon-haired shadow of the man who will eventually glue a bunch of old spaghetti to his face to play Jonah Hex, Sean Astin displays the moon-faced earnestness he will come to be known for, and Corey Feldman looks like a teenager who has experienced nothing but angry erections, which is a look he'll never grow out of. Unfortunately for us all, this will not be the last time Corey Feldman appears in a music video.

Corey Feldman/CiFi Records
I'm pretty sure this is part of a prophecy.

The group excitedly compares treasure maps, and we are treated to a minute-long montage of scenes from the film, after which the evil wrestlers from the beginning of the video show up and attack the Goonies, while Cyndi Lauper stands by and refuses to call child services. Then a witch shows up for some fucking reason and Cyndi nearly drowns in a subterranean waterfall after calling out to Steven Spielberg for help. In the overwhelmingly likely event that you have forgotten, let me remind you that this is the official music video tie-in to a movie about a bunch of kids hunting for pirate treasure to save their town from villainous country club developers. A pop star getting attacked by a witch before taking a sharp right turn into self-referential industry humor probably sailed right over the heads of The Goonies' target audience like a paper lantern full of Reaganomics jokes.

Portrait/Warner Bros./Amblin Entertainment
"What happened to the Goonies? Did that pedophile get them?"

And that's the end of Part One. Part Two, which aired a few months after the movie was released in theaters (because with an artistic triumph like "The Goonies R Good Enough," you have to stagger that shit out), picks up with the rambling narration of a character witness on an episode of Judge Joe Brown, before continuing the story with Cyndi and the Goonies working as slaves on the witch's pirate ship. Again, this is a completely different video for the exact same song.

Portrait/Warner Bros./Amblin Entertainment
Really, we're all prisoners here.

Cyndi and the children escape the clutches of the witch and her pro-wrestling henchmen (again, neither demographic is represented in The Goonies whatsoever), and return to the Lauper family gas station with armloads of cursed pirate wealth. Cyndi then puts her fingers to her mouth to blow a mighty whistle, and Andre the goddamned Giant appears in an explosion of pyrotechnic magician smoke to chase Roddy Piper into the street like a feral cat drenched in hobo blood.

Portrait/Warner Bros./Amblin Entertainment
"Andre should be wearing more pants" is a thought people were frequently forced to have in the 1980s.

And that's how the official Goonies music video ends. People who saw both chapters of this rock opera before actually buying a ticket to see the movie must've been seriously confused at The Goonies' total lack of discount witchcraft and 1980s pro wrestling.

Portrait/Warner Bros./Amblin Entertainment
"We've managed to betray fans of several properties! Congratulations, everyone!"

It's really difficult to make an exciting clip reel out of a movie that is 90 percent people driving around in pickup trucks. The video for Van Halen's "Humans Being" attempts to do just that. Shots of Sammy "I have the chest hair of Cameron Diaz" Hagar painfully contorting his face to heighten the excitement of his lip-synching to maximum levels are interwoven with what I believe is the same three seconds of aerial footage of Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt carefully leading a wagon train of desperate character actors in wheezy SUVs down a country road while obeying the speed limit.

Warner Bros.

Warner Bros. Records

Warner Bros.

Warner Bros. Records
The viewing audience is now too electrified to move.

I always knew Van Halen would provide the soundtrack to a collective midlife crisis, but I never expected it to be captured on film. It's like watching the inner monologue of a 60-year-old man seconds before he shatters his knee while unnecessarily sliding into second base during a company softball game. It's the tragedy of failing to realize a dream that was never particularly grandiose to begin with. In that way, the Twister music video is the same as a truck driver having to pay full price for a 1 lb basket of tater tots because he couldn't eat all of them in 30 minutes.

Warner Bros. Records
"Yeeeeeeeeeah, driving in the raaaaaaaaaaaaaaain!"

The director attempts to convey the intense drama of a raging tornado by splashing water on the camera while Van Halen plays in front of a giant montage of swirling weather vanes. When we aren't being dazzled by exciting official Twister footage of people driving cars, we're marveling at exciting official Twister footage of people staring ominously at the sky and running away from lightning. It's exactly as ridiculous as releasing The Perfect Storm with a soundtrack by Def Leppard, but for whatever reason, this didn't occur to the world in 1996.

Warner Bros. Records
"Weather is the coolest" -- 1996.

If you've ever found yourself wondering what the confluence of two of the most forgettable things ever created would look like, Van Halen's official music video for the Twister soundtrack is your answer.

The video begins with nary a mention of Disney or Alexandre Dumas' classic story. Instead, we see Bryan Adams and Sting supervising a bunch of random assholes hauling equipment into a warehouse. Also, only Sting looks like he showed up prepared to work on the Three Musketeers video. Everyone else looks like they just drove there from the airport and are planning on bullshitting their way through filming. There's one point where Bryan Adams is literally watching Sting play the piano to figure out a part of the song they are moments away from performing without offering to make any meaningful contribution beyond nodding his head appreciatively, like Sting is singing him a song in a cocktail lounge or something.

A&M Records
"Hey, that's pretty good, Sting!"
"Thanks, Bryan! You should probably be making some effort to commit this to memory!"
"Haha!"
"I'm not fucking joking, Bryan."

Rod Stewart strolls in later with his entourage, looking like he just rollerskated into Los Angeles after falling asleep in a salon chair for thirteen hours. He looks like a deleted scene from You Don't Mess with the Zohan.

A&M Records
"Hey, I heard there was a gathering of ridiculous people here and I came to offer my assistance!"

Sting should've hit him with his piano stool the second he spotted that tuft of mangy frosted wizard hair float into the building, because it's clear Rod Stewart intends to match Bryan Adams' level of "not doing a fucking thing." This could almost be a documentary about why The Police broke up, if Bryan and Rod had bothered to bring any instruments.

A&M Records
If you watch Sting's face, you can see the exact moment when he realizes he's the only person taking this seriously.

Sting makes a comment about going bald, which I assume was the result of the hero's trial that was being the only watchable character in Dune. That film was his "carrying the One Ring to Mount Doom," and it stole the golden mane that bought him sex throughout the 1980s. Anyway, Bryan Adams with his shaved sideburns and Rod Stewart with his nuclear wig shop explosion are adding a second layer to the insult cake they decorated for Sting by not playing any fucking instruments. I can't stress this enough -- of the three world-famous musicians featured in "All For Love," Sting is the only one who plays anything. Bryan and Rod both possess the ability to play multiple instruments, but they stoutly refuse to touch anything in the generous studio space A&M Records has rented out for this historic collaboration. Sting does take a moment to throw some shade at Bryan Adams and his ridiculous singing voice, but otherwise he seems content to be the plow horse of the official Three Musketeers theme song. Also, he appears to have stolen Christian Slater's wardrobe from Pump up the Volume.

A&M Records
I'm not even sure that look was cool at the time.

The resulting music video looks like a jeans commercial on VH1. Also, apart from the hackneyed inclusion of the Three Musketeers motto into the song's lyrics, there is absolutely nothing that connects this to the Walt Disney film of the same name, outside of some brief footage of the three singers sitting around a table clutching goblets of wine and women who are far too young for them.

A&M Records
Here's the portion of the video where we get to watch three superstars eat roast chicken.

Also, Rod Stewart spends the majority of the video looking like Brenda Fricker, which is not the optimal look for a male pop vocalist.

A&M Records
It is too late to unsee this picture.

I've written before about the unfair legacy that Raul Julia was forced to leave behind when he died during the filming of Street Fighter: The Movie. Luckily, he was able to temper that great injustice by engaging a moonlit sword fight with MC Hammer in a misty graveyard full of neon parachute pants to determine which man was more deserving of the feminine attentions of Angelica Huston.

Capitol Records/Paramount Pictures
For the good of mankind, they came to a draw. The world was never meant to choose between these two champions.

Not even Christopher Lloyd, still riding the Rocky Mountain high of Back to the Future Part III and Suburban Commando, could resist the opportunity to dance with MC Hammer in a mystery mansion.

Capitol Records/Paramount Pictures
Although it's clear he was only on set for maybe an hour.

Bear in mind, this video was produced in 1991, which was a period of American history in which everything MC Hammer touched turned into golden rivers of money and success. The producers were only too eager to hitch their wagon to the blazing eternal star of Hammer's popularity, because if there's one thing Hollywood is good at, it's latching onto timeless trends that people never grow out of. Consequently, the document of human history now contains a footnote about a pastel rapping genie stutter-dancing to a song about the Addams Family.

Capitol Records/Paramount Pictures
Being stuck in a doom garden with his penniless entourage would prove to be eerily prophetic.

Tom's tie-in music video is just seven minutes of him singing C&C Music Factory songs in a pair of Shaq Attaqs. Read his novel Stitches and follow him on Twitter and Tumblr.

For more from Tom, check out 3 Bands Who Completely Disowned Their Former Members and 5 Famous Filmmakers Whose Dream Projects Were Disasters.