12

"Does it help w ...?"

Google

See, this is exactly what I'm talking about. In the middle of perfectly valid queries about medication and its effects, autocomplete busts out an alternative approach and innocently suggests that people look into treating open wounds by eschewing disinfectants and Band-Aids. Instead, why not jam your hound all up in that wound? Heh, that joke would be better if those words rhymed. Stupid English.

Rafael Utrera / EyeEm/EyeEm/Getty Images
"Yo, Rusty! Come here, boy; it's hygiene time!"

11

"Aren't you r ...?"

Google

This is a golem:

Transit Film/Elite Entertainment
"'Sup."

10

"Did you have a b ...?"

Google

9

"Why is my ...?"

Google

OK, a couple of these are actually pretty simple. Ladies: If you do the math, the late period is probably explained by that time you were briefly within 300 yards of Seanbaby without protection (that is, anything less than full plate armor).

As for the slow computer, gentlemen, try closing some of those 36 porn tabs, or at least turn the sound off. Especially you, dad. You're making the holidays awkward for everyone.

Regarding the rest, though -- seriously? Out of the thousands of sentences that can start "Why is my ...?" we're going with multiple instances of funny-colored poop? I probably shouldn't have conducted this experiment on a library computer. Oh well. If you haven't eaten licorice or whatever, black stool might be a sign of internal bleeding. Go see a doctor. As for green poop, it's generally just a St. Patrick's Day-themed byproduct of eating lots of green vegetables or food coloring. One time I got blitzed on Blue Curacao, and let's just say the next day there was a verdant nightmare in the ol' crapper the likes of which had me praying to the Lord for forgiveness.

grafvision/iStock/Getty Images
About 99.9 percent of all green poops can be traced back to this.

8

"Why does my daughter have ...?"

Google

... or not. All right. If emerald shit's how you want to roll, autocomplete, then that's how we'll roll.

What we have here is clearly a young parent searching the source of the various mysterious ailments that plague their baby, because it's a baby, and although they may have been aware of poop and terrors being involved in the equation, they're only now realizing the full scope. I can't really help with the fever (come on, it's fever -- you know what to do) or bad breath (just, like, break it to her gently?). As for green baby poop, it's actually meconium, a sticky, tar-like substance that a newborn baby craps out before it starts digesting milk. It's usually harmless but always horrible. Just treat it as a training level for the many, many, many horrors yet to come.

On the other hand, all these green-shit queries make me wonder if they're not an actual cry for help. Maybe a surprising amount of Google users are haunted by Jenny Green-Poop, the notorious witch-monster from Celtic lore that infiltrates your household under the guise of a child, then sheds its human skin when you least expect it and starts screaming bloody murder. In that case, all those Google searches are probably frantic last-ditch attempts to understand the grim fate about to befall y'all. Don't give up without a fight, though! Your best bet is to distract the creature with chunks of raw fish and jump for the nearest window as it pauses to count the scales. Be sure to look out for the claws!

Nicolas McComber/E+/Getty Images
"Fucking stop giving them pointers, will you? Trying to maul people here."

7

"Why does my daugh ...?"

Google

Man, people are really having a hard time with their daughters.

What really gets me here is how autocomplete is clearly attempting to deliver these suggestions as something approaching poetry, only to be held back by its machine soul, cold and incapable of recognizing true beauty. Here, autocomplete, let me haiku that shit up for you:

It's called art, Google. You wouldn't understand.

Seriously, though, whoever keeps Googling these: Your daughter probably dislikes you because you keep trying to combat her vast and constant infestations of obligate parasites by inexpertly dicking around on search engines instead of, you know, calling a goddamned doctor.

6

"Do mid ...?"

Google

Really? Six seasons of Game Of Thrones and we're still doing the "midget" thing? It's called dwarfism, Google, and the only person under 4-foot-10 that's not going to kick you in the dick for using that word in fucking 2016 is the ghost of Herve Villechaize, who kind of liked the term.

Archive Photos/Moviepix/Getty
He'd still beat your ass, but for completely unrelated reasons.

5

"Can a human get a ...?"

Google

1) No.

2) No.

3) Yes. Easily. Just make it watch as you attempt to get all those other animals pregnant.

4) Please just end this line of questioning immediately. The FBI is already on the way.

s_derevianko/iStock/Getty Images
"There's a cell for people like you at Gitmo."

4

"How come a ...?"

Google

Fascinated as I am by humanity's apparent willingness to share their vague sexual inadequacies with a search engine and our curiosity regarding the intricacies of buoyancy, I think I'm going to focus on the cupcake thing here. Not because it needs answering -- minerals are naturally inorganic solids with a crystal structure, while cupcakes are overrated bullshit with way too little frosting -- but because the origins of the question prove surprisingly hard to trace.

Type the phrase into Google and most every search result is either of the "LOL CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS GOOGLE AUTOCOMPLETE RESULT???" variety or Answers.com links where someone has clearly asked the question as a joke. If the cupcake-mineral correlation is some sort of obscure meme, its origins completely escape me. It's just this "wacky" autocomplete thing. So either there are hordes of aspiring online cupcake geologists out there, which is a scenario that I greatly enjoy, or Google has just snuck that autocomplete result in as a joke, which feels like cheating because it's barely even funny. Maybe if it was about boner cupcakes. Regardless, if they can play dirty, I can play dirty. Have a recipe for a mineral cupcake:

3

"Why are ther ...?"

Google

Because croquet is a game where you bash balls with large wooden mallets. What do you think would happen if they took the rules away? They tried that once in 1957, and that's how we got superdelegates. And seasons. It's a vicious cycle.

2

"What is the ...?"

Behold, Google's official choice for the most logical sentence to follow one of the most generic starts for a question the English language has to offer:

Google

I actually almost skipped this one, because I was 90 percent sure it's a Dragon Ball Z thing, and I've already reached my annual quota of anime jokes. However, Arthur Dimmesdale is actually a major character in Nathaniel Hawthorne's 1850 novel The Scarlet Letter (no, I haven't read it either) and the assorted films based on it. Gary Oldman played him once.

Buena Vista Pictures
"Power level: 120 million!"

1

"What is ...?"

Google