It's that time of year again! Halloween is just around the corner, and that means testing the limits of your beloved pet's mental health! As a dog owner, I know my dog desires only to run around naked and free, with blood on her muzzle from a fresh kill. But too bad! I'm bigger than her and can stuff her into an ill-fitting Emoji Movie costume, because who says being an apex species comes with no perks? Here are some of my top picks for costumes to give Buddy or Mittens an emotional crisis.
Direct your attention to the tight, thin line that is this dog's mouth. She is quietly expressing a high level of disapproval and consternation while still attempting to be polite. "You ... do know that my nipples are nowhere near there, right?" she is silently screaming. "Dog anatomy isn't ... you can't ... look, those are my legs." While this costume may test your dog's patience and faith in the human she relies upon, at least she can be thankful that nobody is unhinged enough to create fake human breasts for dogs.
Have you ever looked at your dog and thought, "You know what's missing? A big pair of shapely boobs!" This Marilyn Monroe costume has you covered. Give your dog the ample cleavage you've always dreamed of. The iconic low-cut dress is both elegant and flirty, with a plunging neckline that leaves very little to the imagination, except perhaps to wonder if the dog's real nipples are also sporting bodacious silicone implants under that dress. Your dog will feel confident and sexy in locks of blonde flowing hair and perfectly symmetrical double-D's. The hair comes with the outfit, too, so you don't need to borrow from your ever-growing secret collection of women's scalps. You can make this a great couples' costume, too! Your dog dressed as Marilyn, and you dressed in the human teeth and skin you've collected over the years. You'll be the belles of the ball!
If you want to have some wholesome fun with your cat, dress him up as a medical professional! You see, cats have a very difficult time distinguishing reality from fiction, and a costume is just enough to push them into the realm of delusion. This cat doesn't think he's dressed as a doctor. He is a doctor, and there are lives that need saving, and yet his entire staff is missing. Have fun watching your cat roam around in an anxious frenzy, meowing out, "Nurse? Nurse where are you? I have four surgeries this afternoon! Where are my orderlies? Where are my attendings?? People are dying! I have a six-year-old girl who needs her entire ribcage replaced! Why can't I pick up my stethoscope? It ... it appears to merely be printed onto my lab coat?! And my first aid kit is filled with stuffing? I can't practice medicine like this! Goddammit, I'm a doctor, not a miracle worker!" To add insult to injury, boop your kitty's cute little nose while cooing, "Aww, is somebody's patient not feline fine?" Then watch as he cries helplessly over the loss of lives that only he could have saved.
Play with your dog's emotions by buying this fabulous dog groom costume. Trick your furry friend into thinking he is about to enter into a life partnership with someone who will cherish him forever. Look at the elated expression on this dog's face as he expects to be wed to the love of his life. Now imagine the crushing disappointment when he realizes it is all a ruse in the name of a commercialized autumn holiday. Instead of being bonded with his soul mate, all that awaits him is mockery and Instagram photos. There is no bride, but this poor guileless creature couldn't possibly imagine his owner deceiving him, especially not on his wedding day. "Oh boy, I am getting married? Really? Oh gosh, I bet the bride is beautiful! Are all my friends and family there? I will be a good groom. I will be the best groom, you will see. Where is the bride? Where is the love of my life? Why is she not here? Was there an accident? Oh god! Take me instead!"
This adorable hot dog costume for your pooch is the perfect ensemble for a rising child dog star. You, taking the role of overbearing stage mom, must give your dog a gentle shove in the direction of celebrity, and the hot dog costume will help you every step of the way. There are countless roles for dogs dressed ironically as hot dogs, so make sure your furry child shines as the most impressive. "You're a hot dog," you hiss in your dog's face. "Now sell it to me." And if your dog acts in a decidedly un-hot-dog-like manner, be firm. Tell her, "That's not how a hot dog walks! And hot dogs don't have genitals to lick! Do you think Macaulay Culkin stopped his audition for Home Alone to regurgitate an undigested sock?! I want you to be the Daniel Day-Lewis of hot dogs, but all you're giving me is a barely conscious Keanu! Emote, goddammit, EMOTE!"
This comfortable and chic outfit is- wait, why would you dress your dog up as a Klansman? What is wrong with you?
There's nothing more adorable than an inconsolably depressed cupcake. This dog's eyes are bottomless pools of worldly suffering. They're her only means of conveying the nihilistic anxiety wracking her tiny dog brain. The cupcake costume is a hilarious way to add insult to injury.
Owner: "Who's my little cupcake?"
Dog: This cherry on my head does nothing to ease my pain. I can feel the cold whisper of demons in my ear as hell slowly eclipses the earth.
Owner: "Who's my widdle cuppy-wuppy cup cake?"
Dog: Each passing day brings us closer to the end.
Owner: "Is it you? Are you my little cupcake?"
Dog: I am the echoes of wolves long dead. I am a fleeting flicker of life, soon to be crushed by the unstoppable march of time.
Owner: "Does my little cupcake want some sprinkles??"
Dog: Sprinkles will do nothing to slow the pace of entropy as it consumes all life and all light. But yes. Yes, I desire sprinkles.
One of a cat's greatest assets is their excellent hearing. Rob them of their most critical tool for survival with this form-fitting headpiece! The fake Yoda ears are nonfunctional, so no matter how much your cat strains to hear the swift onset of coyotes, all he will hear is the muffled sound of human laughter. "Are you daft?" your cat will wonder incredulously. "My enemies are many. They lurk in the shadows. I must stay frosty, or I will be eliminated. I cannot ... I cannot hear the birds singing. Death approaches!"
While it's true that dogs are our lovable companions, some of them stubbornly cling to lofty ideals such as "personal space." If your dog is a hug curmudgeon, get her this super soft and cuddle-able teddy costume! Then invite your hyperactive six-year-old niece over for Halloween fun times. "TEDDY!" your niece will cry out, thrusting her arms out as she pursues the dog. The dog will attempt to escape, but the cumbersome costume will render her slow and prone to tripping. Your niece, too young to fully comprehend her own strength, will easily capture the dog and lock her into a death grip. Then all you have to do is sit back and watch as defeat slowly settles into your dog's eyes.
Force your dog to participate in the endless cycle of merchandise-to-commercially-successful-film-to-merchandise. "Oh fun, am I Don King?" your dog will ask, before the slow horror dawns on him. "Oh, oh god, oh no, no no no, get it off!" But he can't get it off, as you have used double-sided tape to fix it securely to his scalp. "No! I don't endorse this! I don't endorse sacrificing creative filmmaking in the name of marketable merchandise for children! No!" Of course, his protests will only sound like a series of adorable whines and barks. Cute!
Part of this costume's appeal is the cultural ambiguity. His blue striped shirt seems to suggest he is an Italian gondolier, but then where is his straw hat? Why is he playing guitar? What's up with his Bob Dylan wig? Is he supposed to be Bob Dylan? Was Bob Dylan a gondolier? These are the questions that will plague your dog as he is forced to parade around in this complicated outfit. Your pooch will really sell this outfit with his confused, lost expression. "I thought I was dog. But now I am man? I am man who plays guitar? In a striped shirt? What is my motivation? What is my origin? If I am meant to be a professional guitar player, why do my false arms appear to be strumming this guitar well below the sound hole? Can any of us truly know ourselves?"
"Uhm. Excuse me ... do you ... have any idea," this dog is desperately trying to communicate, "... what people do to pinatas??"
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Movies are never more unrealistic than when they're showing us exactly what a dollar can buy.