9

Planet of the Apes

In 2001, Tim Burton reimagined Planet of the Apes with Mark Wahlberg, Paul Giamatti, Tim Roth, and some others. His decision to reimagine the film as a shitty, tedious affair was a bold and certainly unorthodox approach, but ultimately people prefer the original.

Chris Brown (fan submission)
This is actually what I imagine every single one of Tim Burton's dinner parties is like.

How It Helps the Movie

We're no longer on a planet where apes evolved superintelligent brains; we're on a planet where apes evolved superintelligent brains but now Tim Burton is their crazy human leader. All of the other humans are pets and slaves, but Burton manages the entire planet, dictating orders to his lieutenants over their nightly dinner meetings. I don't know why Tim Burton taught the apes how to talk and dress themselves just so he could use them to enslave humanity, but I'm sure his reasons are crazy-ass and I would love to hear them.

8

E.T.

E.T. is about a cute little alien on the run from walkie-talkie-wielding army men who fear, distrust, and don't understand him. E.T. is no threat to Earth and spends the duration of the movie trying to get back home, where people don't try to kill him.

screencrush.com

7

Hannibal Lecter from The Silence of the Lambs

In The Silence of the Lambs, the brilliant but evil Dr. Hannibal Lecter is already in a maximum security prison for his crimes (killing and eating people). He's a chilling villain, because he knows exactly how to get in your head and expose your biggest fears and insecurities.

barnorama.com
"C'mon, eat it. Open up. Here comes the airplane, coming in for a landing! And it's ... full of brains and guts and things. You like that, right?"

How It Helps the Movie

It just further demonstrates how Lecter is the smartest and most manipulative serial killer the world has ever seen.

6

Darth Vader from Star Wars

Star Wars is a movie about a star war.

khooll.com

5

Neo and Smith in The Matrix

In The Matrix, we learn that computers have taken over and replaced reality with a virtual reality that all humans, who are basically just sleeping brains in vats, are forced to live in via a series of tubes. The computers maintain this near-perfect illusion 24/7.

screencrush.com
"We've made a perfect simulation of your world; are you sure you're not in the Matrix right now, Mr. Anderson?"
"No, I'm ... I'm definitely in the Matrix."

How It Helps the Movie

I really like the idea that we assume that the Matrix is this complicated and perfect computer simulation, but when one of the agents gets distracted, he can't focus on his program. It's like when I'm downloading a huge file and the rest of my computer stuff slows down as a result. When Agent Smith uses all his RAM to fly and fight Neo, this is what the rest of the world looks like.

4

Maximus in Gladiator

Russell Crowe is the soldier who became a slave who became a gladiator who became a hero. He rises up from nothing to win over the people and slay the tyrant Joaquin Phoenix, who was still in the not-unbearably-crazy phase of his acting career.

screencrush.com

3

Freddy Krueger!

The Nightmare on Elm Street franchise follows a terrifying undead monster-type thing, Freddy Krueger, as he travels around the world murdering teenagers in their sleep.

designyoutrust.com

2

John, Hans, and Friends in Die Hard

I think I've written about Die Hard for this website like 30 times. If you don't know what Die Hard is, just click the "Random Article" button, as you are statistically likely to find an article about it in 10 clicks.

unrealitymag.com

How It Helps the Movie

Look at the expression on Bruce Willis' face. That is the face of a man who either learns he can freeze time or figures out that he's been having a drug-induced hallucination this entire time.

1

The Predator from Predator

jokerdesigns.com
"I said not right now, OK?!

How It Helps the Movie

Watching this movie allows me to pretend that, after Predator 2, there's a third Predator movie about a Predator who learns how to sing and dance, leaves his family behind, and travels to Hollywood to become a star. His dreams come true, but once he's successful, he realizes that the life he left behind really was the life for him. That his new life may seem glamorous, but being hounded by paparazzi and overly familiar fans isn't all it's cracked up to be. That fame and fortune are no substitute for family and friends.

Daniel O'Brien is Cracked's senior writer (ladies), and he likes to take chances and do dances (space jams). Watch him do stand-up with Michael Swaim, Adam Brown, and Blaine Capatch on 3/5/13 (people who live in Los Angeles).