We're now only two weeks into The Bachelorette, and already we know who is going to win. It's Greg. Greg, Greg, a Gregillion times, Greg, and it isn't even close. That isn't technically a spoiler, by the way. We don't have copies of the season finale footage or a tip-off from Reality Steve. It's just that anyone with eyes, ears, and a level of emotional intelligence higher than a mashed potato can watch these two cry-kissing and know that Greg is gonna run away with this thing.

But even if you didn't possess the empathetic powers beyond that of cooked spuds, you'd still be able to easily deduce that Greg is the last man standing in the end. Last week he got the first-impression rose, which usually guarantees victory on The Bachelorette. (Interestingly, it's not at all predictive on The Bachelor, which maybe says something about the nature of men vs. women? But that's probably for another article.) Five of the past seven Bachelorettes gave the first-impression rose to their eventual winner and one of the two who didn't came into the season halfway, which makes it murky as a data-point.

But what seals it for Greg is that this week he got the first one-on-one date, which is normally another highly predictive marker for success. To have both the first one-on-one and the first-impression rose is like drawing Exodia in Yu-Gi-Oh - an automatic win - but you obviously already knew that because the Venn diagram of Bachelor fans and Yu-Gi-Oh aficionados is a perfect circle. 

All this is to say, it's great for Greg, but it's kind of annoying for the rest of us that we're aware who wins by week 2. The suspense is gone, and yeah, the producers and the editors will spend the next 8 weeks attempting to show how the other guys are seeming to gain ground, but that's all an illusion when we know Gregretariat has already lapped them. I don't have an answer for how to fix this, but the powers at be better figure something out, or we'll begin to wonder why we watch this damn show, to begin with.

Other Takeaways from Week 2:

Last week Aaron and Cody got into a Beef With No Context (TM) as Aaron approached Cody to tell him, "I don't like you, and I never will," seemingly without provocation. This week Aaron and Cody settled their mysterious squabble by wrestling in a pit of mud. Then Aaron told Katie that he knows Cody from back home in San Diego and that his social media posts rub him the wrong way, causing Katie to kick Cody off of the show. Somehow the mud wrestling felt more dignified. 

We also got Mike coming out as a virgin to Katie, which was actually less bullshit and drama, and more just sweet and wholesome… 

… but if there are two things we know about Katie, it's that she loves sex and, after this episode, she loves Greg, so sorry Mike, but we're expecting you to be a virgin a little bit longer.

Finally, Karl tells Katie with baseless speculation that there are "some bad dudes" in the house. He can't say who or why or how, but he wants Katie to know that of these bad dudes. Definitely, none of them are him, and that she should "stay vigilant" because you wouldn't want a supposed bad dude to come along and try to emotionally manipulate you with some bullshit. It's the classic Asshole's Gambit, and sadly, it works on Katie because this is The Bachelorette and she's contractually obligated to produce outrage at a moment's notice. But we don't think it'll work too long, partly because Karl is a motivational speaker who, as we learn from this episode, likes to use props, which we think says all you need to know, but mostly, we think Katie will quickly move past this because, you know, Greg.

Follow Dan on Twitter to learn more about his upcoming projects and find him on his podcast The Bachelor Zone to hear him talk about The Bachelor like it is a sport. (Because it is.)

Top Image: ABC/Hulu

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