You may already be a demi-god, but if not- how about settling for Lordship? Well, Scotland has been giving the title of “Lord” or “Lady” to those who purchase at least one square foot of land available in the country. That’s right, although the space is maybe enough to do absolutely nothing, you have the right to be the landowner of those three pieces of grass and dirt.  

In Scotland, the term “Laird” would imply that one possesses property, typically an estate. However, the concept of being a “Lord” has since birthed aristocracy into the picture, more closely associated with royalty … Yes, we’re talking pinkies up while drinking tea, you lavish idiot. So how did this opportunity fall into the hands of us common people? Historically speaking, one could achieve lordship status by inheriting the title, marrying royalty, or personally being appointed by the majesty. Though in an effort to preserve their natural environments, Scots decided to extend the privilege to any individual in the world who buys at least one square foot plot or more, encouraging land to, you know, stay land and not become corrupted with a big mall here and there. And you get to save the planet while believing the falsehood that you’ve just been appointed an actual Lord with powers. Bravo. 

Highland Titles Nature Reserve sprung forward with this concept when they sought to renew their wildlife by planting trees where the soil had previously been worn by generations of farming. The owner, Dr. Peter Bevis, began selling plots of his estate over a decade ago to raise funds for the planting. Purchase a plot, no matter what the size, and you’ll receive an official certificate with your new name, Lord or Lady of (insert coolest sounding location on Bevis’ estate.)

Highland Titles

Lord Butt-Head is already taken.

 To this day, plots of land are typically available on Scottish estates that have belonged to families for centuries. Another is this website, offering one square foot starting at fifty dollars. Often referred to as a “souvenir plot,” you’re also mailed a certificate proving ownership of your property. It may only work as far as getting your friends to call you by your newly given name, that is, if they can take this matter seriously in the first place, “Lord Kyle of Hot Topic.” You may boast about your superiority or at least the delusion of it, but sadly buying a piece of land will not give you legal rights, (sorry but it takes knowing a guy to become royalty.) But not to fear, there are a couple perks to your decision. In some cases, you may vote on laws governing the land your plot is registered on. You’re also allowed to visit your patch of earth and go as far as camp on it if it’s large enough, enjoying the high life as the imaginary Lord you now are. Basking over your land with no running water, getting gnawed at by mosquitoes, and trapped in a thin layer of plastic to protect you from the possible onslaught of a bear attack.

SirCryalot/Pixabay

All while leaving your lordly poops behind in the wilderness.

And now you’re logged offline, having completed your self-enrollment into high class. Congratulations. Just remember that in a castle long ago, those with Lordship status swarmed the corridors passing by their fancy gilded mirrors reflecting back their greatness. But now here you are, a shiftless normie in pajamas at noon eating Frosted Flakes from a mug for lunch, and maybe you haven’t showered in five days, but who cares because nonetheless, thanks to your one-square foot of land you will probably never see, you can go to bed at night fully knowing that you are now a Lord.  

For more of Oona’s sarcasm and attempted wit, visit her site, oonaoffthecuff.com.

Top Image: Wiki Commons

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