One Medieval Royal Assassin Had The World's Crappiest Job

Little is known of King Edmund II. Having reigned from 1016 to ... slightly later in 1016, he is best known for being a fierce warrior king taking the fight to the Viking Danes and their local ruler Cnut, the scourge of both Anglo-Saxons and auto-corrects. For his brief yet ceaseless defense of the realm, the English king was nicknamed "Ironside." Which is ironic, given that Edmund Ironside likely died from leaving his backside exposed. 

While accounts vary, several contemporary historians claim that King Edmund Ironside died in the middle of taking a kingly dump. No, not from an Elvis-like mid-push heart attack, but from receiving a killing blow to his buttcheeks. As recounted by Henry of Huntingdon, Edmund II "went one night to the lavatory to answer a call of nature." But treachery befell Ironside, for when he dropped his royal trou, "the son of Ealdorman Eadric, who by his father's plan was concealed in the pit of the privy, struck the king twice with a sharp knife in the private parts." 

Pam Frey, Geograph
Not the kind of throne a royal assassin hopes to hide under.
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But as we mourn King Edmund Ironside's ass-assination, let's also take a moment to pity his poor poop perp. This guy's dad made him sit/sink in an underground mound of runny Medieval shit just to take a shot at the king mid-coronation. And since this occurred on a trip to Oxford, this was no attempt on the royal privy either. (Not that that would've been wise, as the killer also would've had to defeat the dreaded Groom of the King's Stool). That made this a public privy, meaning this butthole hitman had to sit for probably half a day in a septic tank suppressing his gag reflex as several unclean asses squatted over his position. 

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And if you think that job itself was crap, so was the pay. After having killed the king, the traitor went to Cnut to receive his just rewards. Cnut, in a fantastic display of ancient irony, promised: "As a reward for your great service, I shall make you higher than all the English nobles. After which, he chopped Eadric's son's head off and placed it high on a spike for all to see -- probably after giving it a good clean.

For more crap puns, do follow Cedric on Twitter.

Top Image: Public domain / Wikimedia Commons

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