If you haven't been watching the senate impeachment trial of Donald Trump, there's a good reason. You haven't been able to. See, Republicans are so convinced the president is extremely innocent that they've severely restricted press access to one of the most important events in American history. To sum up what you've been missing, it's basically been a long parade of Senate Republicans and members Trump's legal team speaking in a way best described as "What a stupid person thinks a [blank] should sound like."
Fill in the blank with senator, lawyer, aide, whatever. It's just a bunch of people who embody the cartoonish Hollywood-influenced personas of their respective fields. They demand respect while earning none; they want to be known as the best but they're all laughingstocks.
One of the few glimpses into the proceedings the public we've been given comes by way of illustrations by sketch artist Bill Hennessey. They are ridiculous, and it is in no way Bill's fault. All he's done is capture the mundane absurdity of this pivotal moment in American history as it unfolds before him. He's thus far captured such historically valuable details like how, apparently, Florida Senator Marco Rubio was writing with a feathered quill pen like a dainty little student at a private school in the 1800s.
He's captured the glimmering beauty of one of the spittoons that scatter the senate floor at all times so senators can hock long ropey brown strands of tobacco-infused spit intermittently throughout speeches.
He's preserved for all time North Carolina Senator Richard Burr's erotic flashing of his shins that are the color of ham as he attempted to distract Senate Democrats with the pure potent sex he stores in the space between his ankles and knees.
And, of course, history will not soon forget the exclusive peek behind Chief Justice John Roberts' desk as he pretends to preside over the Senate impeachment trial when he's really ... actually, we don't want to know what he's about to do with that 8x10 framed glossy of Donald Trump.
Senate Republicans may not want anybody in America to know that the president is even on trial, but thanks to the hard work of heroes like Bill Hennessey we at least know that the trial we're not allowed to see is a surreal cavalcade of nonsense that perfectly reflects the era.
Luis can be found on Twitter and Facebook. Check out his regular contributions to Macaulay Culkin's BunnyEars.com and his "Meditation Minute" segments on the Bunny Ears podcast. And now you can listen to the first episode on Youtube!