Finally, The NFL Draft Will Give Players The Option To Drown

Finally, The NFL Draft Will Give Players The Option To Drown

The NFL often feels like a mighty opulent empire just before it falls. The fun game at its core is being dragged down by thick layers of racism, a celebration of toxic power structures, and a complete disregard for player health and safety. That's because 'fun' is an out of character trait for the stoic Boomer austerity of the NFL, and it can be painful to watch whatever they try to have any (See: all Super Bowl halftime shows, except the Prince one, which rules). Now the NFL is trying to bring some pizazz to the draft -- an event whose thrills and chills begin and end with men in suits reading names at a camera. To spice things up, the draft will be held in Las Vegas this year. To prove that they're a fun grandpa, and not a decrepit old dying one who farts blood, they're making players walk a red carpet that will be floating in the middle of the world-famous Bellagio fountains. Which they'll have to be transported to by boat.

If you've never watched an NFL draft, I can assure you that they're usually quite landlocked. And dreadfully boring. There's a wee bit of thrill when they announce the first few names. And then you realize they have to do that 297 more times, and that you'd rather be yiffed to death by a mascot than listen to who the Bengals are drafting with the 239th pick. Perhaps the NFL thought they'd spice things up by adding water hazards before the start of the draft, as a way of weeding out the weaker players.

Based on these computer mockups, I can assume players will arrive via limo to the Las Vegas strip, where they'll get on a boat in the Bellagio fountain that will ferry them to the red carpet. From there, I can only theorize that once players walk the red carpet, they'll then get on a second boat which will take them back onto dry land, because the actual draft isn't even at the Bellagio, it's next door at Caesar's Palace -- a fitting location for a league that often feels like it's in the "Vandals sacking Rome" phase of its downfall.

Luis can be found on Twitter and Facebook. Check out his regular contributions to Macaulay Culkin's and his "Meditation Minute" segments on the Bunny Ears podcast. And now you can listen to the first episode on Youtube!


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