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Amazon's HQ2 Would've Broken Long Island

(NOTE: Mere hours before this article was set to publish, Amazon cancelled their plans for Queens. They fear Cracked's invective and wrath, which is not unlike that of the Old Testament God. Here are the details of their machinations regardless.)

You may remember the real-life dystopian reality show that was Amazon making various cities beg for the presence of their new corporate headquarters, and the Queens neighborhood of Long Island City was one of two lucky winners. In exchange for enough tax breaks to fund most island nations, Amazon will bless the locality with 25,000 much-revered "jobs."

That's a good way to inject a bunch of people who will spend money and pretend to care about the Mets into New York City. But New York City, as dozens of sitcoms have told you, is an expensive place to live. Long Island City in particular is seeing a massive increase in both housing developments (people are pouring into the area faster than any other community in NYC) and income disparity. One apartment within five blocks of the new HQ has a median household income of $15,000. Go five blocks in a different direction and it's $133,000.

HQ2 is already wiping out earlier plans to build 1,500 units of affordable housing, and a sudden spike in local salaries could be devastating to lower- and middle-class families. What happens when rent inflates and grocery stores realize that they can quadruple the price of bread by telling tech bros it contains the "ancient grains" that fueled the programmers of old? There's a serious concern that the immigrants and people of color who made Queens hip will now be priced out of their own neighborhood.

Scott Olson/Getty ImagesWe guess they could always order their groceries from Amazon, but that might not really be a long-term fix.

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The First Iteration Of Gmail Was For Garfield Fans

When Gmail launched in 2004, it provided an invaluable service to countless Internet denizens looking to upgrade their addresses from sparkledemoncookieprincess@hotmail.com to something vaguely professional. But the service you route all of your Bed Bath & Beyond newsletters to holds a dark and terrible secret. In 1998, gmail.com was an email service for Garfield enthusiasts.

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LinkedIn Has A Thriving MAGA Scene

LinkedIn is mostly where people with MBAs use run-on sentences to tell one another that they're passionate about being experts in creating paradigm strategies, but it also allows its users to post articles. LinkedIn's blogging platform is formatted like a serial killer's taunting note, but hardcore Trump supporters have found a home there amidst marketing executives talking about how they're remortgaging their homes to buy Ethereum.

For all the crap we give Twitter and Facebook for letting trolls proliferate, they've done enough to crack down on hate and anger that the most vitriolic posters have felt the need to abandon ship and resurface at LinkedIn. We're talking hardcore "Obama was born in Kenya, CNN is run by communists, and oh by the way, if you disagree with me you should kill yourself" Trump supporters here. Throw in all the platform's hippies looking to sell their crystal oil running into these posts, and the comments get ugly in a hurry.

LinkedIn isn't exactly a fan of this development, because they don't want their platform to be viewed as political, beyond their implicit endorsement of the endless grind of capitalism's crushing gears. But they're also not doing much to combat the problem. They'll ban the nastiest users, but the rest are free to go on about how Muslims need to be exterminated before they reach the final stages of their nefarious climate change hoax. Again, all on a platform designed to let accountants tell each other how much #hustle they have.

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Vice Skewed Its Traffic Stats With Boobs And Dumb Scams

You know those ads for s****y video games that feature half-naked anime girls destined to develop back pain declaring, "Come save the kingdom from Orcs, My Lord, and maybe I'll show you my improbable bosoms"? Vice, the giant media conglomerate whose only rule is "Don't write sober," used the exact same strategy.

Vice's director of marketing, tasked with boosting traffic, said to hell with carefully promoting their unique brand of journalism and just slapped ads featuring "photos of some hot chick with big boobs bouncing up and down" on torrent sites and other sleazy corners of the web. Vice's traffic did see a significant spike -- from hundreds of thousands of hits a month to millions -- but no one told investors that most of that was coming from disappointed men looking to masturbate. Presumably, most of them did not stick around to read any articles while holding their dicks.

ViceStuff like this does make it hard to claim that you're stopping by for the latest political commentary.